MEMO

ATTENTION: Greenwood Municipal Cemetery Staff

Due to a clerical error, the Paranormal Society’s annual cemetery tour has been double booked with the interment of Dr. Felix Burnside. To properly honor our commitment to both parties, please give special attention to the details of the day’s agenda.

9:00-9:45 A.M.: Guest Arrival

Funeral guests will be in mourning garb, as will most of the paranormal experience attendees, so you will need to confirm the purpose of the visit.

Direct funeral guests for Dr. Burnside to follow the sound of the cellist playing “Ave Maria” to the green graveside awning.

Direct ghost tour attendees to follow the sound of The Exoricst theme to the 18-foot inflatable coffin.

10:00 A.M.: Invocation / Gravedigger Zipline

Distribute funeral programs and prepare the outdoor pulpit for Pastor Brugan to begin the ceremony. The funeral programs are the ones without the inverted crosses on the cover.

Distribute EMF detectors, thermal cameras, and barometers to the paranormal group while waiting for the tour guide, Buck the Gravedigger, to arrive via zipline carrying a grocery bag of silicone hands.

10:15 A.M.: Scripture Reading / The Decapitation of Steam Engine Marty

Escort the deceased’s sister, Margaret Burnside, to the pulpit for a reading from Ecclesiastes 3:1–8.

Stay close to the paranormal group during the story of Steam Engine Marty’s accidental beheading. When Buck delivers the line, “The boiler burst and launched a jagged piece of iron into his neck,” fire off the black powder mortar and roll out a fake severed head. As a sign of respect to our other guests, be sure to choose the head that looks the least like Dr. Burnside.

11:15 A.M.: Eulogy / Paranormal Investigation

Unseasonable prevailing winds mean you will need to call on volunteers to help clear the smoke from the mortar cannon before the widow eulogizes Dr. Burnside.

While the smoke clears, the group will arrive at the final stop on the tour, the Burnside Family plot. Focus on the eulogy and at the first moment of weeping, give the signal to Buck to tell the ghost experience attendees to grab their EMF detectors because he just saw a full-bodied apparition!

11:30 A.M.: Potato Bar

QUICKLY! Release the doves for the Burnside family! While all are distracted by specter and fowl, prepare the dining pavilion and, as a surprise token of our apologies, offer all of today’s guests a complimentary potato bar.