Fellas, how many times has this happened to you: the old ball and chain says that you’re a negligent father and an emotionally distant husband and that until you get your act together she’s taking the kids to her sisters, and so you concoct an elaborate disguise and masquerade as a nanny in order to get close to your kids again?

If you’re like me—once. But that’s all it takes before you find yourself in too deep. Suddenly, you did such a good job as a fake nanny that you’ve been recommended to every family in town. Now my schedule is full for the next ten months! I’m in such high demand that I had to start my own LLC and hire and train additional nannies. And once again, I find myself too busy to spend time with my kids. Doubtfire-ing is a vicious cycle.

I can only blame myself. I broke the first rule of Doubtfire-ing: don’t get in too deep. I couldn’t help it though, when I put on that wig and dress, it didn’t feel like an alter-ego, it felt like I truly was Mrs. Periwinkle. Maybe it was the fact that Mrs. Periwinkle offered a tender and sensitive outlet that I never felt I had before. Or maybe it was the fact that I had to spend five hours in the makeup chair each morning.

Let this be a lesson to you: if you must Doubtfire, do it in moderation. It’s all about balance. You don’t want your kids spending too much time with your alter ego. I made that mistake, and now my kids think their father is missing. They called the police, there was a state-wide search, they put up flyers all over town. And where was I during all this? Cleaning the house and doing the laundry under fifteen pounds of heavy prosthetics.

I know what you’re thinking: can’t you just drop the routine and reveal your true identity to your kids? Well, that was the plan, of course, but I feel like I missed the window. I Doubtfire’d for so long that the kids are grown, two of them have left the house, and it’s just little Emma left. I started Doubtfire-ing when she was only two, so she doesn’t even remember the real me. She only knows Mrs. Periwinkle. If I suddenly pulled out my fake teeth and peeled off my face, there would only be a stranger standing before her. Also, I’m pretty sure that would cause irreversible mental and emotional anguish. Ugh, the Christmas party—that was the right time to do it!

Well, there’s not much else I can do. I made my bed, now I must lie in it. The old me is dead. I should just say farewell to… to… Oh man, what was my name? Something with an R, I think. Robert? No… Eh, doesn’t matter. It’s Mrs. Periwinkle, now and forever.

It’s really not so bad. Periwinkle’s Nanny Services Inc. now has twelve branches across three states (hopefully expanding to the west coast by next fiscal year). I was even booked as the keynote speaker at the Child Care Expo this fall in San Diego. I think afterwards I’ll pay a visit to little Gregory. He’s a sophomore at UCLA now. Maybe we’ll have ourselves a game of catch, just like old times: just nanny and son.