There’s a good chance you or someone you know is using the so-called miracle weight loss drug Ozempic. But its promises of a slimmer waist without the work masks potentially serious health risks. This is why many Hollywood stars and coastal elites are now opting for a more natural fat-shredding fix.

Nope, it’s not diet or exercise. It’s getting cursed by an aged practitioner of folk magic!

Just as GLP-1s were initially approved for treatment of Type 2 diabetes and not weight management, metaphysicists at Novo Dorsik recently discovered that vengeful curses meant to inflict pain and misfortune can be used as “off-label” weight loss solutions.

“Wow, curses. I’ve heard of those. But do they really work?”

Yes! Studies show hex recipients can lose 6-98% of their body weight, with some dropping as much as one pound every hour.

Plus, getting cursed is so easy! No weekly injections or dieting. All you’ll have to worry about is upgrading your wardrobe and whether you’ll have enough strength to drag your rapidly withering beach bod to the shore.

You don’t have to change your eating habits in any way. You can eat, and eat, and eat, and continue eating, and still lose weight. You’ll be driven mad by the amount of weight you’ll be losing!

“Wait. What?”

Honestly, I wouldn’t get too hung up on that part right now. Let’s focus on how thin and gorgeous you’re going to look!

“Oh, okay! What happens when I want to stop losing weight?”

Ending the curse couldn’t be easier! First, travel to your maternal grandmother’s ancestral home. Then, sprinkle a mixture of epsom salt and devil’s dirt (asafetida) across the main door’s threshold. Finally, bake one (1) strawberry pie, drizzle it in blood, and feed it to someone. Now you’re curse-free. Plus, you’ve just generously kickstarted a stranger’s own health journey!

“You’re right. That does sound easy! But are there any side effects to being cursed?”

I mean, it is a curse. There’s probably some downsides to it. But, that’s true for any drug you take. Acetaminophen can cause constipation. So, what’s the difference?

On the plus side, curses are all-natural. No semaglutide or disodium phosphate. Just 100% good old-fashioned dark mysticism.

“Sounds great! How can I get started?”

Curses can be administered by any means convenient to the recipient: accidentally running over an elderly woman while screaming at your assistant, calling an unhoused person a societal leech and then punching their dog, or demolishing the temporary housing of an underprivileged transient community and building a Sprouts. As long as some hag flashes you the “evil eye,” you’re on your way to the haunting, sunken-cheeked visage of your dreams.

Best of all, you don’t need a prescription. Just a superficial attitude and a healthy disregard for all humans below your social class.

Discover a thinner you—faster than humanely possible—with curses!

DISCLAIMER: “Weight loss” is not guaranteed. Possible side effects include horrible acne scarring, extreme weight gain, eternal wandering, death of first-born, human hair replaced by a buncha earthworms, bone dissolution, and penis-just-falls-off-itis. Consult your doctor regarding whether your heart is healthy enough for hexes, jinxes, and/or metaphysical conjurations. If curse lasts more than one month, please consult a mortician.