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“No one can take away your master’s degree” she reassured herself while looking up a word from her first grader's schoolwork.

I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.

I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”

What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.

Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.

“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.

I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”

If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?

Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.

Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.

Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?

Me doing yoga to relieve my chronic back pain and close-to-arthritic spine? Now that's a stretch!

“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like

My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.

How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.

“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?

Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.

To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.

My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.

Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.

Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.

If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?

A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.

“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (:

“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.

My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?

It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”

Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.

Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.

Me: If memory serves me correctly
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.

Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.

I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.

The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.

I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.

None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.

I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.

I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.

What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.

You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.

“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.

My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.

AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.

My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.

If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.

Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.

How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”

A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.

In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.

I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.

Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”

Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.

Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.

The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.

He wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, but he sure was afraid of clowns.

Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.

Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.

“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.

There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.

Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*

Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”

Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.

When your 3-year-old ends a FaceTime call with his grandmother by saying, “Now be sure to hit the ‘like' button and subscribe to my channel,” it may be time to rein in the YouTube watching.

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?

People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”

When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.

We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.

They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.

“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.

“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.

I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.

Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.

Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.

I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”

When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?

People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.

If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.

I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.

Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.

The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.

Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY

Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx

Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

Feelings: they never had a chance. You never hear about them swimming, only sinking.

I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.

Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.

I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.

Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.

“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss

Books about cowards should have their spines removed.

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?

As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.

Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.

We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?

My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”

After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you're a man.

Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.

I don't have much to complain about lately, but other than that things are going fine.

Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.

My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.

Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*

Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.

Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?

“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?

I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

Your Porn Name is your full name, social security number, credit card number + expiration date + CVC + billing address + mother's maiden name, and all your email, social media & other account logins & passwords + Jeremy. Share yours below!

I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.

“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.

Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car

I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.

My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.

Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.

It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.

I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.

There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.

I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.

I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.

Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.

Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
1. Precious
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne

“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.

Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.

We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.

It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”

If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?

You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.

I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.

Gravity was its own downfall.

A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”

Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.

Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?

My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.

Working Titles for Summer 2021:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer

When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.

“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.

Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”

Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–

When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?

“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door

I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.

Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.

I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.

My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.

Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.

For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.

Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.

If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”

Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?

Am I okay? The short answer: no. The long answer: noooooooo.

Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.

Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.

I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”

New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake

Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”

Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?

I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.

My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.

“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.

My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.

Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.

ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!

I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.