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My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.

The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.

My personal trainer told me I’m an egomaniac pessimist with deep delusions of grandeur and a pattern of subconscious self-deception. So I’m thinking about getting an emotionally estranged trainer.

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.

Prison is just the most advanced level of escape room.

I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.

We Color-Blind people love St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it, “International That’s Green For Sure Day.”

I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.

None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.

Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.

People refer to us as a spiritual couple but I think they just mean poor.

I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.

I let Jesus take the wheel but ended up at a crossroads.

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?

Which book about decision making should I read first?

If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?

I always forget that too much socializing gives me the meet sweats.

“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.

Hack: I updated my LinkedIn headline to “Visual Storyteller” and was instantly recruited by Rooms To Go.

A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.

I can be spontaneous, given enough notice.

What was that word again? Oh yea, “unforgettable.”

Whenever I'm cutting peppers and I see one of those little baby peppers inside, I'm reminded why I became a pepper doctor in the first place.

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

I don’t want my doctor to wear jeans and say, “Call me Staci!” I want an 80-year-old in a white coat with glasses who is wise and doesn’t know what TikTok is.

I asked the waiter for an American cheeseburger so he pulled out a rifle and shot my burger 15 times.

I’m a mnmlst.

It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.

It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.

I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.

Stop begging the question. Maybe just ask it nicely?

Non sequitur? I hardly know her.

I started writing notes to self, but I gave up because I never wrote back.

Words can hurt. Ask anyone who’s ever had a dictionary thrown at them.

Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.

If I joined a motorcycle gang I would probably be the leader, since I own a car.

I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.

“That’s show biz, kid,” I whisper to myself after making yet another decision I know will make my life worse but definitely more interesting.

When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.

Damn, the Twin Towers really did everything together.

A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.

If you’re determined enough, everything is a choking hazard.

If you're happy and you know it overthink it until you're not sure anymore.

*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?

I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.

Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

“There’s broken glass in your sandwich, you should send it back.”
Me, mouth bleeding: “I don’t want to be a bother.”

Witness: This guy literally bragged about committing the murder.
Murderer: I told you that in confidence!

We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?

I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.

If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.

Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.

If there's one thing I've learned about reaching for the stars, it's that famous people don't like to be grabbed.

I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.

People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”

I wish Amazon would buy Facebook so I can buy my privacy back.

Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.

They say you should never meet your heroes. That's why I've never met my dad.

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.

Me: If memory serves me correctly
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.

Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.

Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”

Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.

I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.

Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.

I love the Admiral’s Feast at Red Lobster, but I’ll never order the Ensign’s Expired Eel again.

The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.

For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.

How long does it take for jelly beans to grow into jellyfish? Asking for my nephew's science project.

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?

Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.

I hate when people say Frankenstein's penis when they really mean Frankenstein's Monster's penis.

I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).

After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.

“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.

I will be retiring soon and living on a fixed income, which is great, because I've been on a broken one for years.

If there were laws for dogs they’d probably stop messing around all the time and get to work.

I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.

They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.

I saw a kid wearing a shirt that says “cousins make the best friends.” Great job to those parents for telling the world your kid has no friends.

I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.

My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…

The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.

My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.

My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.

If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.

They say, “Revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “Revenge is best served cold.”
So I say, “Revenge is ice cream.”

I used to do a lot of Shakespeare in the park, or, as the Chicago Police like to call it, “Drunk and Disorderly Conduct.”

Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.

Now that my eye infection is gone, I have a nfecton.

If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.

Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?

The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.

Drinking daily green smoothies can provide up to 80% of your personality.

“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War

If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.

I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.

Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.

Today is the first day of the rest of my week.

Potential ridesharing company for teens: Uberty.

They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.

Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.

I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.

What's the punctuation you're supposed to use to end a statement? No that's not it

Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.

The hangman apologized because he accidentally put the noose under the sentenced man’s arm. “That’s okay,” said the condemned. “Just don’t let it happen again.”

When my girlfriend said, “Let's pretend we're the only two people in the world,” she didn't expect me to immediately start grieving my dead family.

I don't understand oat milk. I've never met an oat with tits.

Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.

Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.

Getting a dog is a lot like gaining a frat brother: he's always down to go out and rage, he'll support and encourage you through all your bad decisions, and at some point he'll lay in a hidden corner of your bedroom watching you bone your girlfriend.

“Toaster” is a cute name for a bread torturing device.

You say I’m a terrible dad but my other family doesn’t think so.

My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.

I called tech support for my quantum computer. They told me to turn it both on and off simultaneously.

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.

Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*

You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.

I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.

Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.

I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.

Gravity was its own downfall.

People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.

When my uncle died, we bought the casket from IKEA. The funeral took all weekend.

I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.

Leatherface was always outshined by his fabulous cousin, Patent Leatherface.

Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.

You can lead a horse to a bar, but you can’t make it buy you a drink.

Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.

Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.

I’d prefer to die in quicksand than slow sand.

I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.

People asked me how I got my hands on my Grandma's wealth when she passed away and I told them “where there's a will, there's a way.”

If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?

What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?

“I say, Sherlock, how is it that you seem to pay no taxes?”
“Deduction, my dear Watson.”

My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.

They say marathon running is a mental sport. In my experience, it's mostly legs.

Bonsai: The Ancient Zen Art of Humiliating Trees

I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.

There's something about the Christmas spirit and how it grabs hold of me, locks me in the trunk of its car, and drives me around the woods of northern Maine for days that still mystifies and confuses me after all these years.

I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.

Say what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, but it keeps particle physicists off the streets.

Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.

Hanging with art friends and repeatedly pointing at graffiti and shouting “Is THAT a Banksy?!” until they snap.

Knocking on a door is funny because it's like, “Hey! I'm coming in, but first I gotta teach this door a lesson.”

That moment at the dentist when you forget what the suction thing is called and ask for “Mr. Thirsty.”

I recently bought memory supplements, but then forgot to take them.

If you’re ever on the run from the law, don’t get into a chase. That’s how they catch you.

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

“Quoting dead philosophers makes you sound like a prick.” —Plato

When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.

When you get Botox, you don’t appear more youthful, you just look like a person who can afford Botox.

Feelings: they never had a chance. You never hear about them swimming, only sinking.

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.

—First name?
—Jeff.
—Surname?
—Sir Jeff.

Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.

My insurance company gave me a blanket. It only covers about a third of my body.

You are now entering the calzone, where everything is folded in half.

A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…

Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.

“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (:

Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.

What is a “quarian” and why are so many old people against it?

Every day I tell my husband how happy he is.

I’m very serious about minimalism. I bought like 20 books about it.

God reminds me of my ex. Why? He expects us to be only with him while he is with everyone.

Do dogs know they have bones inside them?

I'm going out on a limb, preferably my legs.

Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.

When we were told to chase our dreams, nobody mentioned they'd be mostly anxiety dreams.

A misplaced decimal can make things a hundred times worse.

My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”

I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

I don’t care where the states are located. If Oklahoma was next to Maine that’d be OK by ME.

It’s difficult to tell how spiritual animals are, but I am fairly certain most monkfish believe in Cod.

For a town whose motto is “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” they sure sell a lot of souvenirs.

For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.

In my family, we don't believe in punishing our kids. At least, not until they untie us.

You are not you're mistakes.

Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.

Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.

Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.

If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.

I’m such a rule-follower, I lower my voice when I look through those Little Free Libraries.

Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.

I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.

My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.

Anytime someone says they'd like to be a “fly on the wall” during some big moment, I think, “You do know people kill flies, right?”

Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.

I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.

My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.

There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.

If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven't invented flying cars?

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.

You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

What kind of world is it that shorts are not half the price of pants?

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.

I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.

Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.

No matter how well read you are, there’s always someone weller read.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.

If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”

I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.

The brain surgery industry seems biased towards elitists with medical degrees.

After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.

Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?

Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.

Frugal church seeks organ donor.

My uncle used to advise me to never forget Leg Day, which was just what he called the day he lost his leg.

Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe? Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.

To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.

Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.

I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?

My parents have always been very supportive of my writing. I think that indicates how bad I am at everything else.

Just because I’m racially ambiguous doesn’t mean you have to guess.

Am I okay? The short answer: no. The long answer: noooooooo.

I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.

The police came to my house and told me I was a “person-of-interest” in one of their cases. My wife rushed to the door and assured them I had been a bore as long as she’d known me.

“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.

You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.

Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.

Using a laptop at a standing desk makes you look like the saddest corporate DJ of all time.

Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to read a WHOLE book to judge it?

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

Every workout class today:
– Held in a dark cave blasting remixes at a decibel level you didn’t know was legal indoors
– The instructor is named Morgan, the perkiest girl in Bama rush
– Morgan smile-yells into a microphone to do an exercise you've never heard of

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.

Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.

Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.

Respiration magazine just released the newest fashion trends:
In: Oxygen
Out: Carbon Dioxide

Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?

I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.

When God closes a door, sometimes he opens another, more confusing door like those revolving ones that are too big for one person but it’s weird if you go in with the person in front of you.

Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.

I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.

I gave my wife a dozen roses. She never needs to know that I ate the other dozen on the way home.

My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.

I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.

I'm not saying I'm better than Jesus. But I have 13 followers, and he only had 12.

I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.

When I could travel in time, I would travel back to the moment I wrote the first word of this sentence and change it to “If.”

The only validation I seek is from parking attendants.

What if there's another set of teeth after the permanent teeth, but no one has ever lived long enough to find out?

When I said I wanted to make the world a better place I meant better for myself.

You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.

A watched pot may never boil, but a boiled watch makes time a thing of the past.

I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.

Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.

Books about cowards should have their spines removed.

What's the difference between a bird and a plane? Birds can't even hold their own shit when flying but planes can fly and carry the shit of hundreds of people at the same time.

The drum: sounds' trampoline.

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”

We’re thinking Telenovela if it’s a girl, True Crime if it’s a boy.

Groundhog Day means six more weeks of winter. Ground Beef Week means we’re eating like kings.

McDonald's Employee: The ice cream machine is broken.
Women: I can fix him.

I'm so woke, my favorite romantic comedy is “Um, Actually….”

When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?

My favorite part of a nutritious breakfast is sleeping right through it.

There should be a food delivery app that also tells you what part of your order will be wrong or forgotten.

Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.

Scientists declared multitasking a myth because when you multitask there is an increase in error, it also takes longer than completing one task at a time… is not the answer to “why did it take women so long to get the vote” according to my ex.

Taught my dog how to shake. Now we just need to get her to explain the gap in her resume.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.

If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”

“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.

I've made some mistakes, but I'm sure, with some effort, I can repeat most of them.

How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?

I remember the very last thing my Uncle Bert ever said to me: “Sarah,” he said, “that little tuft of hair between the ears of that hyena is just begging to be noogied.”

My coworkers are constantly badgering me about the family photos on my desk. I mean, WHO CARES how I got photos of your families, man.

There's nothing worse than exercising, eating healthy, and not drinking, and realizing it works.

I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.

Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.

“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.

Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.

I'm a natural ventriloquist. Whenever I speak, it appears a dummy is talking.

Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.

AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.

It's not my fault I say dumb things. It's in my D&A.

Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we're lost.

To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.

“Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?” Juliet ponders after Romeo turned his phone location off after getting “drinks with the boys.”

My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.

Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.

I’m trying to stop comparing myself to others but it seems like everybody else is better at it.

They say live your life like it’s your last day on Earth. I say, “Live your life like it’s your next to last day on Earth.” That way if you screw up, you still have an extra day.

Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.

When your 3-year-old ends a FaceTime call with his grandmother by saying, “Now be sure to hit the ‘like' button and subscribe to my channel,” it may be time to rein in the YouTube watching.

If you don’t finish the punchline of a dad joke, it becomes an absentee father joke.

The dentist wanted to know if my teeth hurt, so I bit him.

People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.

Here at the Hampton Inn, hospitality is our priority! Our hotel is your home. Now answer me this, would you leave 30 soaking wet hand towels on the bathroom floor of your home?

“You look very young for your age.”
“Thanks, I was born premature.”

After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you’re a man.

My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.

My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.

If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?

Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.

The worst part about being blonde is that people assume you’re having fun.

Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can't see it.

“Gimme an ice cream sundae. Make it a double.”
–Child detective

Holy crap! Who is that? I thought you asked if I wanted to see a dad body.

I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.

The Dad Joke is dead. Please welcome, the Papa Pun.

I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.

I would do anything to be a morning person except effectively manage my time.

I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.

Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.

Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.

Funny men attract hot women and funny women attract hate comments on Twitter.

I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.

When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.

Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.

Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.

I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.

My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.

I used to know all my friends’ phone numbers by heart and now I can’t walk into a room without saying “what was I gonna do in here?”

“No one can take away your master’s degree” she reassured herself while looking up a word from her first grader's schoolwork.

Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car

This year’s been so bad, my antidepressants tried to throw themselves down the drain.

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.

Magician: Pick a card, any card!
Me: (picks a birthday card)
Magician: (tearfully) You remembered.

I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”

I’m constantly asked how to build wealth—and it’s simple: have parents who consistently outperform the S&P 500.

Scam alert: A salon sold me a pricey shampoo for thinning hair, which has only made it thicker.

I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.

If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.

Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer

STREET SMARTS
Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
Never bring a fork to a knife fight.
Never bring a spoon to a fork fight.
Never bring a whisk to a spoon fight.
Never bring an egg to a whisk fight.
Never bring a grape to an egg fight.

Believe it or not, the modern word “wedding” actually derives from the common Old English phrase “we did a thing.”

I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.

Strong passwords must exercise regularly to maintain their strength.

It’s astonishing how much time I spend worrying about pedophiles considering they haven’t thought about me in years.

It's crazy how divided this world has become since Pangea.

Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.

I was listening to a news story on the radio about a family whose house had burned down and they lost everything, and I started to cry because I realized I’m now that person who listens to radio.

He named it “The Lord of the Rings” when he COULD have named it “7 Hobbits of Highly Effective People.”

My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.

Without my memory, who am I?

RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.

Shouldn’t the word “phonetic” be spelled “fonetic”?

Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?

Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.

I’m an activist and scholar whose praxis embodies the intersections between liberation from systemic injustice and screaming demeaning names at strangers.

I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.

Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.

I want to write a novel about Schrödinger’s Cat, but I don't know if there's a story there or not.

I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.

*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.

“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss

I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.

(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”

“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.

People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!

As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.

I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.

Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.

You may not believe that contractions are difficult for me to use correctly, but they’re.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.

Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.

I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.

Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.

I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.

People have a glass of wine in the tub and they're just “winding down” and “relaxing.” I shotgun a few beers in the shower and I'm an “alcoholic” and “not even in my own bathroom.”

My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”

The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.

It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.

My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.

I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

“I can fix him,” says the vet, examining my new pet Rottweiler who ruthlessly humps anything in his path.

“Diet Me” walked so “Vacation Me” could run.

This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”

ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?

I’m a donkey and my pronouns are hee/haw.

I recently joined a dating site. Turns out women find me utterly resistible.

Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.

I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.

Bragging about achieving something single-handedly sounds like you only put in half the effort.

Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”

I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?

“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.

Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”

Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.

What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”

Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?

My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.

Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.

Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.

My knowledge of Greek history is my Archimedes heel.

It is so rude to fall asleep during a meeting. It's like we get it, you “have a life,” you don't need to rub it in.

Why do they call them contractions and not birth quakes?

“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.

Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.

They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?

It’s good to look up the difference between “effect” and “affect” every now and than.

Contrary to popular belief I do not just “stay in sweatpants all day.” I start with outside sweatpants, then house sweatpants, and then bedtime sweatpants.

Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.

Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.

Sometimes I type my computer password incorrectly and hit Enter and my computer rejects it. But then sometimes I hit Enter again as if to say, “Please?”

Me doing yoga to relieve my chronic back pain and close-to-arthritic spine? Now that's a stretch!

At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.

When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.

My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.

“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.

My wife longed to hear the patter of tiny feet around the house, so I canceled our pest control service.

Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.

I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.

“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.

Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.

Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.

If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.

Some call it self-loathing, I call it empathizing with the people who know me.

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

I have a mouse problem. They've been using my ping-pong table as a tennis court.

In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.

Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.

I don’t think hurricanes mean any harm, I think they just want to be on TV.

Between texting and calling, I prefer showing up at your door to see the look on your face when you tell me you’re not home.

If you live in Houston long enough people start calling you “Tex.” I've lived in Chicago long enough that even my therapist calls me “Ill.”

Home is where the heart is: a jar in the back of my closet.

New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake

You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.

I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.

It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”

If you've ever used the word “heretofore” in conversation, you've purchased something from a haberdashery.

Assistant: I’m here to help!
Boss: I’m here to make sure you help!

I was told at a very young age that I was gifted. I was also told that my parents never wrote a thank you note to Linda and Steve.

He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.

It’s a shame that the cave people could travel across the ocean millions of years ago for free using a simple ice bridge, yet today we spend millions on air travel.

Good things come to those who wait, but better things come to those with rich parents.

“Respect adults” was probably the weirdest rule we were given as kids, knowing what I now know about adults.

We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”

Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?

Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”

They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.

Come to think of it, organized crime is a lot better than UNorganized crime. “Give me the gun!” “There’s no ammo.” “Where the hell is the ammo?” “I forgot it in the car!” “Why??!” “Idk, don’t yell at me!!”

If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.

Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.

All dating is carbon dating.

I don’t believe in ghosts, which is why I never lend them money.

Don't let “growing old” get you down; you may not be able to stand back up.

How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”

Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?

I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.

I’m not addicted to caffeine, my boss is addicted to me staying awake at work.

I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.

How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?

Business idea: HelloFresh, but the meal is already cooked and it's pizza.

If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?

I'm built different. Worse.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.

Here at the National Weather Service, we pride ourselves on accuracy, which is why at any given moment at any given weather station we have a man licking his finger and holding it in the air.

People say I look the same as I did in high school. I was ugly in high school.

“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.

Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.

Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.

“Nice zombie costume!” the kids at Halloween exclaimed as I opened the door in my usual work-from-home clothes.

My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?

When I check to see if “risktaker” is one word, two words, or hyphenated, I feel like I'm missing the point.

I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”

*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”

When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?

To air is human. To forgive confusing a frequently used noun with an infrequently used verb? Divine.

I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.

If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?

JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.

Trying a yoga class is like an office job: strict dress code, a lot of circling back, and you’re stuck in a position for an undetermined amount of time.

I asked my six-year-old why she didn't pick me as her hero for a school project. She said she thought the irony would be lost on her peers.

I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.

Anthropologists believe Bigfoot will remain hidden until he has finished his screenplay.

Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.

Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.

A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.

When a dog licks a stranger's face on a walk, they get adored. When I do the same thing on a walk, all I get is “arrested!”

I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to be crushed by it, did it miss an opportunity?

It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.

I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.

Still seeking the level of inner peace of a woman in a commercial eating a single square of dark chocolate.

Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.

My uncle always said, “Don't be the hero.” So I didn't pull the fire alarm.

I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.

When your friends go out for Spanish ham and don't invite you, that's lomo fomo.

*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.

When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.

Your Porn Name is your full name, social security number, credit card number + expiration date + CVC + billing address + mother's maiden name, and all your email, social media & other account logins & passwords + Jeremy. Share yours below!

If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.

A good friendship must be earned. A true, lasting friendship must be purchased.

I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?

As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.

Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.

What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.

“No, I'm not saying I want to sell feet pics. I'm saying I'd like an appraisal.”

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.

The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.

Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”

When we’re not looking, there’s a strong chance that dogs do a few sneaky push-ups.

I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

It’s not our ability to love that makes us human… it’s our ability to select all the pictures that don’t contain a car.

An easy way to beat a lie detector is with a baseball bat.

My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn't have social media in high school” in my gratitude.

It's kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There's “who,” of course. There's “how.” Ah, maybe it's just two.

We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.

Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!

Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”

Want to write haiku
Don't have any ideas
Try again later

“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.

Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”

Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.

Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.

“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.

I support a gossip-free workplace but I heard that some of our co-workers don’t.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes people smug, annoying and unnecessarily enthusiastic.

Smart kids are gifted, smart adopted kids are re-gifted.

When I was a kid, I hoped I would own a Ferrari someday. Now that I'm an adult, I hope I would get run over by a guy driving a Ferrari someday.

What is the difference between a poet and a CEO? A poet uses words and a CEO uses people.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.

How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.

No, Slender James is my father. Please, call me Slim Jim.

I’m not jealous of our dog, but would it kill my wife to say “Good boy!” when I poop?

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

Why do some people look so cool wearing clear glasses, but I look like I’m about to mix unknown sample B over a Bunsen burner?

I’m no Olympic biathlete, but it seems to me the most obvious winning strategy would be to shoot all your opponents and take the penalty laps for missing the targets.

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–

I'm a gumball, and the secret to withstanding inflation is really just a hard, protective shell.

When I babysit my niece, sometimes she'll ask tough questions like, “Where's my mom?” So I have to reply, “Well, your mom's in heaven.” Because I just love the look of childlike wonder on her face when her mom walks through the front door.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.

I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.

“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like

Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.

I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.

Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I'm like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”

I don't have much to complain about lately, but other than that things are going fine.

Gamblers: Read ‘em and weep
Gardeners: Weed ‘em and reap

Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”

If you ever show your friends a picture of your crush, and you have to say, “Let me find a better picture of them,” it means they're ugly.

I guess after eighteen years, I'm willing to consider accounting my “calling.”

“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door

Trust me, you also don't want to look a gift horse in the ass.

A small centaur can have two ponytails.

My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.

“Everything is fine,” I sighed while placing my bagel order.

Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.

It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.

Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.

Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Whenever a computer program crashes and asks if you want to either report or ignore it, I always click “ignore” because I’m not a narc.

I love when movies based on a true story show pictures of the real people during the credits. It’s like, “Here’s the people you just watched, only uglier.”

It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey, but less than 13 seconds for me to place a dollop on each of my nipples.

Honestly, “good and evil” seems like, if it’s that extreme, should be “GREAT and evil.”

My job is very cool. (I build snow forts.)

Call Me By Your Name sounds like an un-filled-out Mad Libs prompt.

You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.

Sorry for my smelling mistakes.

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe

What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Yesterday!

Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.

September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.

Tell a man a joke and he laughs for a second. Teach a man a joke and someone else laughs for a second, later.

A friend told me he was about to come into a large sum of money, and I asked, “What ever happened to socks?”

My grandfather worked his entire life in a mirror factory. He just couldn't see himself doing anything else.

Lao Tzu once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'll take that step into a plane.

It feels like they make movies these days like Midwest winters: no color, cold characters, and lasting a lot longer than you want it to.

I’m neither an early bird nor a night owl, I’m a midday pigeon who only leaves my apartment to procure garbage food.

The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.

The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.

“Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.”
–Motivational serial killer

Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?

I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.

“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”

It’s bonkers that some cult classics have smaller followings than some classic cults.

Any restaurant is a drive-thru if you're a bad enough driver.

Hi, my name is Jacob, but my friends call me “overbearing.”

When life gives you lemons, resell them as “rare, heirloom, organic, locally-sourced citrus produce.”

If blindfolded, could a professional investment manager tell the difference between common shares of Coke and Pepsi? Discuss.

“Polar opposites” is a term we use to describe two identical frozen wastelands.

Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?

Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.

The Olympics are kinda cute. It's just one country saying, “Do you guys wanna come over and play some games?”

My therapist is writing a book about narcissism, and I'm pretty sure the whole thing is about me.

I had a joke about World Introvert Day, but I think I'll keep it to myself.

Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.

Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.

In today’s market, there’s no way the average picture is still worth a thousand words.

I knew this failed sculpture—huge chip on his shoulder.

I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.

Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.

My “therapist” thinks I don’t respect his role.

The human body is magnificent. No other animal eats as much Chex Mix as we do.

“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”

The older you get, the better you get (at lying to yourself).

Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
1. Precious
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne

Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.

When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.

I heard minimalism reduces stress, but I've been worrying myself sick since I cleared out my bank account.

I often wish an intruder would break into my home at night because maybe HE will take my Spider-Man pajamas seriously.

If mermaids ate worms, it would change everyone's entire mental image of mermaids.

When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”

In the joke, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!” the chicken did intend to do so, but unfortunately met a car and crossed over to the “other” side.

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.

Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*

Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY

Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx

I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.

ЯOЯЯIM A ИI ႧƎꟼꟼAЯT M'I ꟼ⅃ƎH

🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵

I was shocked to learn my neighbor is a serial killer. He seemed like such an asshole.

They say patience is a virtue, but they don't have to look so damn smug when they say it.

He wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, but he sure was afraid of clowns.

Paper is just tree jerky.

Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.

My girlfriend is obsessed with true crime documentaries about women who kill their husbands. I'm starting to worry about her husband.

It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.

It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.

I'm not saying that I'm more honest than God, but I've never promised victory to both sides of a war.

Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?

If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.

The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.

Me: Can you tell me why I hate my sister?
Therapist: No, I’m a PHYSICAL therapist.
Me: Can you beat up my sister?

“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.

I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”

Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.

It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.

God, exhausted after having created the sun: “Let’s call it a day.”

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

My first grade teacher was Mrs. Password.

A genie's biggest fear has got to be a lava lamp.

Technically they’re not free weights if they’re trapped in a gym.

Magicians don’t retire, they become disillusioned.

Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.

I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.

LOST: Maze builder. Last seen on way to work.

When you go to the office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle.

Why don't animals wear shoes? Because they are happy with their height.

If you want to be an expert on the Middle Ages, you really gotta know yore shit.