Refresh page for another random assortment.
Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.
I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.
I’m a mnmlst.
Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.
Funny men attract hot women and funny women attract hate comments on Twitter.
If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?
A misplaced decimal can make things a hundred times worse.
Hack: I updated my LinkedIn headline to “Visual Storyteller” and was instantly recruited by Rooms To Go.
Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.
The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.
An easy way to beat a lie detector is with a baseball bat.
In today’s market, there’s no way the average picture is still worth a thousand words.
Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.
“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.
Hi, my name is Jacob, but my friends call me “overbearing.”
I support a gossip-free workplace but I heard that some of our co-workers don’t.
Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.
“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas
“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.
I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.
Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?
Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.
(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”
I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.
Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?
If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.
This year’s been so bad, my antidepressants tried to throw themselves down the drain.
When your 3-year-old ends a FaceTime call with his grandmother by saying, “Now be sure to hit the ‘like' button and subscribe to my channel,” it may be time to rein in the YouTube watching.
My coworkers are constantly badgering me about the family photos on my desk. I mean, WHO CARES how I got photos of your families, man.
The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.
Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”
My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?
Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.
Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer
My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.
My favorite part of a nutritious breakfast is sleeping right through it.
What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?
My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.
Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can't see it.
I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.
The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.
I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.
My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.
Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.
Drinking daily green smoothies can provide up to 80% of your personality.
Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.
Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.
You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.
How long does it take for jelly beans to grow into jellyfish? Asking for my nephew's science project.
I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.
Potential ridesharing company for teens: Uberty.
“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits
People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.
I asked the waiter for an American cheeseburger so he pulled out a rifle and shot my burger 15 times.
A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.
“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.
I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.
Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”
Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.
When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.
“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.
The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.
“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.
The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.
It’s astonishing how much time I spend worrying about pedophiles considering they haven’t thought about me in years.
I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.
Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”
He wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, but he sure was afraid of clowns.
I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.
“There’s broken glass in your sandwich, you should send it back.”
Me, mouth bleeding: “I don’t want to be a bother.”
Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.
My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.
My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”
I don’t care where the states are located. If Oklahoma was next to Maine that’d be OK by ME.
To air is human. To forgive confusing a frequently used noun with an infrequently used verb? Divine.
Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.
Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.
If you don’t finish the punchline of a dad joke, it becomes an absentee father joke.
I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.
If mermaids ate worms, it would change everyone's entire mental image of mermaids.
Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.
If sugar truly is more addictive than cocaine, then I really need to stop putting sugar in my cocaine.
“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss
Taught my dog how to shake. Now we just need to get her to explain the gap in her resume.
How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?
I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.
You are now entering the calzone, where everything is folded in half.
I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.
Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–
I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”
Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.
Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.
I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.— Jon Aron
Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.
I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.
Scam alert: A salon sold me a pricey shampoo for thinning hair, which has only made it thicker.
“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.
I recently bought memory supplements, but then forgot to take them.
*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.
Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.
You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.
My uncle always said, “Don't be the hero.” So I didn't pull the fire alarm.
Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.
RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.
Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.
Prison is just the most advanced level of escape room.
Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.
It’s good to look up the difference between “effect” and “affect” every now and than.
My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.
I wish Amazon would buy Facebook so I can buy my privacy back.
I don't have much to complain about lately, but other than that things are going fine.
Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.
ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!
Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.
I want to write a novel about Schrödinger’s Cat, but I don't know if there's a story there or not.
It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”
Sorry for my smelling mistakes.
“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer
If there were laws for dogs they’d probably stop messing around all the time and get to work.
It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.
I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.
I think D.A.R.E. would have been more effective if it were called Double Dog D.A.R.E.
“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?
I can be spontaneous, given enough notice.
Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.
*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?
People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!
Knocking on a door is funny because it's like, “Hey! I'm coming in, but first I gotta teach this door a lesson.”
Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.
Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!
How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.
If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.
“Respect adults” was probably the weirdest rule we were given as kids, knowing what I now know about adults.
Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.
Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.
Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.
“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”
It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.
None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.
I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”
Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.
Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.
I love the Admiral’s Feast at Red Lobster, but I’ll never order the Ensign’s Expired Eel again.
AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.
A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…
If you've ever used the word “heretofore” in conversation, you've purchased something from a haberdashery.
If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.
ЯOЯЯIM A ИI ႧƎꟼꟼAЯT M'I ꟼ⅃ƎH
I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.
When I check to see if “risktaker” is one word, two words, or hyphenated, I feel like I'm missing the point.
I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.
Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?
I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.
I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.
What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”
I asked my six-year-old why she didn't pick me as her hero for a school project. She said she thought the irony would be lost on her peers.
Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*
Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.
Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.
Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?
I’m no Olympic biathlete, but it seems to me the most obvious winning strategy would be to shoot all your opponents and take the penalty laps for missing the targets.
Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.
When we were told to chase our dreams, nobody mentioned they'd be mostly anxiety dreams.
“Nice zombie costume!” the kids at Halloween exclaimed as I opened the door in my usual work-from-home clothes.
Gamblers: Read ‘em and weep
Gardeners: Weed ‘em and reap
Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.
“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.
Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.
“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”
If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.
I’m such a rule-follower, I lower my voice when I look through those Little Free Libraries.
I used to do a lot of Shakespeare in the park, or, as the Chicago Police like to call it, “Drunk and Disorderly Conduct.”
It’s not our ability to love that makes us human… it’s our ability to select all the pictures that don’t contain a car.
“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.
The Olympics are kinda cute. It's just one country saying, “Do you guys wanna come over and play some games?”
Trust me, you also don't want to look a gift horse in the ass.
Some call it self-loathing, I call it empathizing with the people who know me.
“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.
I remember the very last thing my Uncle Bert ever said to me: “Sarah,” he said, “that little tuft of hair between the ears of that hyena is just begging to be noogied.”
Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.
Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”
He died how he lived: absolutely slamming expired Capri Suns.
If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.
If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.
If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.
There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.
I’m not addicted to caffeine, my boss is addicted to me staying awake at work.
The drum: sounds' trampoline.
Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.
Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.
I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.
Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.
The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe
Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.
Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.
Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.
All dating is carbon dating.
You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.
Books about cowards should have their spines removed.
When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.
I guess after eighteen years, I'm willing to consider accounting my “calling.”
Paper is just tree jerky.
I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.
Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.
Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.
Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne
When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.
My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.
There should be a food delivery app that also tells you what part of your order will be wrong or forgotten.
You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.
How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”
I had a joke about World Introvert Day, but I think I'll keep it to myself.
A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.
I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.
Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.
Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.
When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.
It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.
How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?
The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”
My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.
Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.
My insurance company gave me a blanket. It only covers about a third of my body.
*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”
I’m trying to stop comparing myself to others but it seems like everybody else is better at it.
One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.
I would do anything to be a morning person except effectively manage my time.
I always forget that too much socializing gives me the meet sweats.
“Quoting dead philosophers makes you sound like a prick.” —Plato
Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.
Want to write haiku
Don't have any ideas
Try again later
My wife longed to hear the patter of tiny feet around the house, so I canceled our pest control service.
My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.
2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”
I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.
It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.
I was shocked to learn my neighbor is a serial killer. He seemed like such an asshole.
I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.
When you go to the office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle.
We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”
“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War
The worst part about being blonde is that people assume you’re having fun.
When we’re not looking, there’s a strong chance that dogs do a few sneaky push-ups.
Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.
Today is the first day of the rest of my week.
Me doing yoga to relieve my chronic back pain and close-to-arthritic spine? Now that's a stretch!
Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.
A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.
“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.
It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.
What kind of world is it that shorts are not half the price of pants?
I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.
Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*
He named it “The Lord of the Rings” when he COULD have named it “7 Hobbits of Highly Effective People.”
They say patience is a virtue, but they don't have to look so damn smug when they say it.
If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.
I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.
Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.
I’m very serious about minimalism. I bought like 20 books about it.
After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you’re a man.
Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.
I was listening to a news story on the radio about a family whose house had burned down and they lost everything, and I started to cry because I realized I’m now that person who listens to radio.
I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”
I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”
We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?
My personal trainer told me I’m an egomaniac pessimist with deep delusions of grandeur and a pattern of subconscious self-deception. So I’m thinking about getting an emotionally estranged trainer.
I’m constantly asked how to build wealth—and it’s simple: have parents who consistently outperform the S&P 500.
Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.
If you want to be an expert on the Middle Ages, you really gotta know yore shit.
“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (:
My blood alcohol content is well below the legal limit. My blood spaghetti content, however…
I saw a kid wearing a shirt that says “cousins make the best friends.” Great job to those parents for telling the world your kid has no friends.
I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.
Witness: This guy literally bragged about committing the murder.
Murderer: I told you that in confidence!
Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.
My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.
Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.
The only validation I seek is from parking attendants.
If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”
I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.
I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.
After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.
JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.
My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.
Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.
🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵
Do dogs know they have bones inside them?
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.
Gravity was its own downfall.
I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.
I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.
My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.
After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.
The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.
People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”
If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?
I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.
Why do they call them contractions and not birth quakes?
I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.
They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.
A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.
I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.
I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.
I often wish an intruder would break into my home at night because maybe HE will take my Spider-Man pajamas seriously.
I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.
God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.
Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.
Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?
My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.
To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.
Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.— Jon Aron
The artist bio can go south really fast: painter, photographer, calligrapher, dentist.
Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?
“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like
I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”
Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.
I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.
Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.
My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.
Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.
Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.
Pour some out for the homies that didn't make it– Whoa, whoa. Not THAT much.
Believe it or not, the modern word “wedding” actually derives from the common Old English phrase “we did a thing.”
It’s bonkers that some cult classics have smaller followings than some classic cults.
Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.
I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.
You may not believe that contractions are difficult for me to use correctly, but they’re.
When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”
Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”
I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.
It feels like they make movies these days like Midwest winters: no color, cold characters, and lasting a lot longer than you want it to.
I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.
For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.
My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.
Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.
What was that word again? Oh yea, “unforgettable.”
Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.
If you’re ever on the run from the law, don’t get into a chase. That’s how they catch you.
Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.
I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.
*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.
Don't let “growing old” get you down; you may not be able to stand back up.
We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.
There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.
Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.
I hate when people say Frankenstein's penis when they really mean Frankenstein's Monster's penis.
I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.
It’s a shame that the cave people could travel across the ocean millions of years ago for free using a simple ice bridge, yet today we spend millions on air travel.
A watched pot may never boil, but a boiled watch makes time a thing of the past.
When I babysit my niece, sometimes she'll ask tough questions like, “Where's my mom?” So I have to reply, “Well, your mom's in heaven.” Because I just love the look of childlike wonder on her face when her mom walks through the front door.
Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.
You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.
Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.
If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven't invented flying cars?
Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.
If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?
Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.
Me: If memory serves me correctly–
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.
To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?
Which book about decision making should I read first?
Stop begging the question. Maybe just ask it nicely?
They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.
Trying a yoga class is like an office job: strict dress code, a lot of circling back, and you’re stuck in a position for an undetermined amount of time.
It is so rude to fall asleep during a meeting. It's like we get it, you “have a life,” you don't need to rub it in.
My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.
My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”
They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.
Me: Can you tell me why I hate my sister?
Therapist: No, I’m a PHYSICAL therapist.
Me: Can you beat up my sister?
I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.
My grandfather worked his entire life in a mirror factory. He just couldn't see himself doing anything else.
Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.
I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.
I'm going out on a limb, preferably my legs.
The brain surgery industry seems biased towards elitists with medical degrees.
When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.
If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?
For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.
I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?
Without my memory, who am I?
They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.
Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.
My job is very cool. (I build snow forts.)
My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).
Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.
I've made some mistakes, but I'm sure, with some effort, I can repeat most of them.
The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I'm like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”
When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?
The older you get, the better you get (at lying to yourself).
My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.
When a dog licks a stranger's face on a walk, they get adored. When I do the same thing on a walk, all I get is “arrested!”
The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.
Your Porn Name is your full name, social security number, credit card number + expiration date + CVC + billing address + mother's maiden name, and all your email, social media & other account logins & passwords + Jeremy. Share yours below!
If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.
I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.
Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.
Leatherface was always outshined by his fabulous cousin, Patent Leatherface.
The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.
Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.
Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.
“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.
It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.
New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car
They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.
“No one can take away your master’s degree” she reassured herself while looking up a word from her first grader's schoolwork.
When your friends go out for Spanish ham and don't invite you, that's lomo fomo.
I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.
Am I okay? The short answer: no. The long answer: noooooooo.
Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?
“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door
The Dad Joke is dead. Please welcome, the Papa Pun.
As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.
People asked me how I got my hands on my Grandma's wealth when she passed away and I told them “where there's a will, there's a way.”
Still seeking the level of inner peace of a woman in a commercial eating a single square of dark chocolate.
When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?
I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.
I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.
It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.
I’m a donkey and my pronouns are hee/haw.
Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?
I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.
Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.
I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.
Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to read a WHOLE book to judge it?
I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.
I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.
It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”
Shouldn’t the word “phonetic” be spelled “fonetic”?
If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?
My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.
“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.
You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.
“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.
Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”
Words can hurt. Ask anyone who’s ever had a dictionary thrown at them.
Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.
When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.
I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.
Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.
If there's one thing I've learned about reaching for the stars, it's that famous people don't like to be grabbed.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.
Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?
I'm a natural ventriloquist. Whenever I speak, it appears a dummy is talking.
I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.
Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY
Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx
As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.
Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.
If I joined a motorcycle gang I would probably be the leader, since I own a car.
What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?
Bragging about achieving something single-handedly sounds like you only put in half the effort.
I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.
“That’s show biz, kid,” I whisper to myself after making yet another decision I know will make my life worse but definitely more interesting.
I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.
I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.
In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.
I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.
My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.
Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.
The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It
Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.
The dentist wanted to know if my teeth hurt, so I bit him.
Feelings: they never had a chance. You never hear about them swimming, only sinking.
I love when movies based on a true story show pictures of the real people during the credits. It’s like, “Here’s the people you just watched, only uglier.”
I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.
“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.
“Polar opposites” is a term we use to describe two identical frozen wastelands.
Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.
I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.
A friend told me he was about to come into a large sum of money, and I asked, “What ever happened to socks?”
I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.
It's kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There's “who,” of course. There's “how.” Ah, maybe it's just two.
Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.
Say what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, but it keeps particle physicists off the streets.
My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.
If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.
I heard minimalism reduces stress, but I've been worrying myself sick since I cleared out my bank account.
Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.
I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.
I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.
What is a “quarian” and why are so many old people against it?
I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.
Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.
My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.
This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”
Call Me By Your Name sounds like an un-filled-out Mad Libs prompt.
The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.
I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?
They say, “Revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “Revenge is best served cold.”
So I say, “Revenge is ice cream.”
I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.
I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.
When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?
The human body is magnificent. No other animal eats as much Chex Mix as we do.
Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.
Home is where the heart is: a jar in the back of my closet.
Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.
We’re thinking Telenovela if it’s a girl, True Crime if it’s a boy.
I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.
If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”
“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.
I don’t mind my doctor using a little hammer to test my reflexes, but are the little nails necessary?
Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?
We Color-Blind people love St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it, “International That’s Green For Sure Day.”
I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.
The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.
“I can fix him,” says the vet, examining my new pet Rottweiler who ruthlessly humps anything in his path.
Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.
I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.— Ben Wink
At times an instructor might tell you to stand on the balls of your feet, but that kind of hurts the penis of my feet.
My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.