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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?
My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.
I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.
Still seeking the level of inner peace of a woman in a commercial eating a single square of dark chocolate.
I used to do a lot of speed dating. Now I do a lot of speed alone.
People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!
Me: Can you tell me why I hate my sister?
Therapist: No, I’m a PHYSICAL therapist.
Me: Can you beat up my sister?
This year’s been so bad, my antidepressants tried to throw themselves down the drain.
Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.
I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.
*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.
I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”
Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.
“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.
Every few times I go to the dentist I give him a good bite while his fingers are in my mouth, just so he knows not to mess around in there.
After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you’re a man.
My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.
We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?
Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.
Feelings: they never had a chance. You never hear about them swimming, only sinking.
One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.
Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”
Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.
Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.
Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.
When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.
When I babysit my niece, sometimes she'll ask tough questions like, “Where's my mom?” So I have to reply, “Well, your mom's in heaven.” Because I just love the look of childlike wonder on her face when her mom walks through the front door.
I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.
A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.
We Color-Blind people love St. Patrick’s Day. Or as we call it, “International That’s Green For Sure Day.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” has never had their head impaled by a javelin.
Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.
You have a variety of choices at Walmart when it comes to American singles—except the ones locked inside the trailer.
My coworkers are constantly badgering me about the family photos on my desk. I mean, WHO CARES how I got photos of your families, man.
I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.
Me doing yoga to relieve my chronic back pain and close-to-arthritic spine? Now that's a stretch!
I’m constantly asked how to build wealth—and it’s simple: have parents who consistently outperform the S&P 500.
For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.
He wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, but he sure was afraid of clowns.
Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.
I don’t care where the states are located. If Oklahoma was next to Maine that’d be OK by ME.
Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*
Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.
I knew I had to stop drinking when I couldn’t hold my liquor anymore without spilling while changing lanes.
I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.
Things have gotten so bad that I'm now putting coffee in my coffee.
Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.
The older you get, the better you get (at lying to yourself).
As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.
Your Porn Name is your full name, social security number, credit card number + expiration date + CVC + billing address + mother's maiden name, and all your email, social media & other account logins & passwords + Jeremy. Share yours below!
My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.
When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?
I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.
My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.
The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.
If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.
Stop being passive-aggressive. You know who you are.
Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.
How long does it take for jelly beans to grow into jellyfish? Asking for my nephew's science project.
In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.
“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.
I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.
When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.
Thinking about the time when I was 5 and my dad told me to give a fake name to the clown at my birthday party because “nobody needs to know your business.”
The Olympics are kinda cute. It's just one country saying, “Do you guys wanna come over and play some games?”
I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.
It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.
Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.
My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.
It feels like they make movies these days like Midwest winters: no color, cold characters, and lasting a lot longer than you want it to.
ЯOЯЯIM A ИI ႧƎꟼꟼAЯT M'I ꟼ⅃ƎH
If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.
“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.
In today’s market, there’s no way the average picture is still worth a thousand words.
I got in trouble at work for posting pictures of my wife naked. Next time I'll at least wear sweatpants.
Gamblers: Read ‘em and weep
Gardeners: Weed ‘em and reap
I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.
When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”
I bet if instead of killing yourself you could turn yourself into a turtle, there'd be a lot less suicide and a lot more turtles.
Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.
If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?
Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.
You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.
I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.— Jon Aron
Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?
My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.
Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.
What is a “quarian” and why are so many old people against it?
My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.
To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.
When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.
I don't have much to complain about lately, but other than that things are going fine.
My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.
I was shocked to learn my neighbor is a serial killer. He seemed like such an asshole.
I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.
I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.
There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.
To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?
All dating is carbon dating.
I asked my six-year-old why she didn't pick me as her hero for a school project. She said she thought the irony would be lost on her peers.
Call Me By Your Name sounds like an un-filled-out Mad Libs prompt.
Working Titles for Covid Summers:
– Hot Mess Summer
– Vaccine for HPV Summer
– White Boy Can Come But We’ve Got an Eye On Him Summer
– Masks On, Tits Out Summer
– What About the Variants Summer
– Eh, We All Die Eventually Summer
– Oh Right! I Hate Going Out Summer
Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.
My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”
Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!
The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.
Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.
If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven't invented flying cars?
If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”
The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.
I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?
I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.
Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.
Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.
I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.
Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?
I would do anything to be a morning person except effectively manage my time.
Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.
Books about cowards should have their spines removed.
Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.
I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.
Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”
My grandfather worked his entire life in a mirror factory. He just couldn't see himself doing anything else.
Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.
“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.
After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.
I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.
A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.
What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?
Doctor: You're losing your hair because you're anxious.
Psychiatrist: You're anxious because you're losing your hair.
Me: *anxiously loses hair*
Why do they call them contractions and not birth quakes?
My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.
What did the bad joke have to say for itself? “Let me explain.”
Not all who wander are lost… they're just always in my way when I'm trying to get over to the right exit ramp.— Ben Wink
I’m so paranoid that the other day in the grocery store a guy asked me if I worked here, and I said WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
When your 3-year-old ends a FaceTime call with his grandmother by saying, “Now be sure to hit the ‘like' button and subscribe to my channel,” it may be time to rein in the YouTube watching.
A watched pot may never boil, but a boiled watch makes time a thing of the past.
I’m no Olympic biathlete, but it seems to me the most obvious winning strategy would be to shoot all your opponents and take the penalty laps for missing the targets.
Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.
If there's one thing I've learned about reaching for the stars, it's that famous people don't like to be grabbed.
“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.
Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.
Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”
What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?
The human body is magnificent. No other animal eats as much Chex Mix as we do.
New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.
When I walk my dog, I get the sense he thinks he’s doing me a favor.
If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?
I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.
Trying a yoga class is like an office job: strict dress code, a lot of circling back, and you’re stuck in a position for an undetermined amount of time.
Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.
Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.
When you go to the office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle.
“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (:
“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.
(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”
Gravity was its own downfall.
Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.
I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.
Happy National Stalker Day to those who observe.
If we truly are in a simulation, it begs the question: “How many times have I pissed the bed in real life?”
I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.
I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.
Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.
Why does drinking water from a mug feel illegal?
If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?
Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.
“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.
The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.
I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.
Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.
Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.
“No one can take away your master’s degree” she reassured herself while looking up a word from her first grader's schoolwork.
It feels right that we use nuggets as a unit of measurement for the three most important things in life: gold, wisdom, and breaded chicken.
None of these therapy dogs even have their degree.
It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.
“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War
For tips on falling asleep quickly, expert sleep therapists suggest having no regrets.
When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?
When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?
I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.
Stop begging the question. Maybe just ask it nicely?
The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.
The brain surgery industry seems biased towards elitists with medical degrees.
“That’s show biz, kid,” I whisper to myself after making yet another decision I know will make my life worse but definitely more interesting.
My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.
Trust me, you also don't want to look a gift horse in the ass.
People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”
My insurance company gave me a blanket. It only covers about a third of my body.
I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.
September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.
When we’re not looking, there’s a strong chance that dogs do a few sneaky push-ups.
I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.
I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.
I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.
My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.
The worst part about being blonde is that people assume you’re having fun.
My cat hates when I bathe her and to be honest I don't enjoy it all that much either. It takes days to get all her hair out from my throat.
My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.
Don't anthropomorphize your pets. They hate that.
I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.
Some call it self-loathing, I call it empathizing with the people who know me.
They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.
Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.
I'm a natural ventriloquist. Whenever I speak, it appears a dummy is talking.
Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.
The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.
I remember the very last thing my Uncle Bert ever said to me: “Sarah,” he said, “that little tuft of hair between the ears of that hyena is just begging to be noogied.”
Growing up, I had such low self-esteem, my imaginary friend became my imaginary bully.
“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits
ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!
Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.
I’m trying to stop comparing myself to others but it seems like everybody else is better at it.
The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”
I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.
My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).
Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car
If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.
Forget wikiHow, I need wikiWhy.
Bragging about achieving something single-handedly sounds like you only put in half the effort.
Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.
When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.
As I get older, I can sense people dressing me with their eyes.
I often wish an intruder would break into my home at night because maybe HE will take my Spider-Man pajamas seriously.
Flashers don’t get paid. They just do it for the exposure.
Spelling Bee? Yeah, that's super easy, it's only three letters.
AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.
“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas
I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”
Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.— Jon Aron
Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.
I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”
How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”
“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.
Dress for the weather you want, not the weather you have.
The Tooth Fairy is just an organ trafficker.
Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?
I like learning new things on Wikipedia. And even if an article has been edited and isn't true, that's ok–I like spreading rumors, too.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.
Me: It was the butler, in the dining room, with the plunger.
Genealogy website: OK. Now enter details about your mother.
We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”
Give a man to fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he can hang out in the teachers' lounge.
When we were told to chase our dreams, nobody mentioned they'd be mostly anxiety dreams.
It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”
RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.
“I can fix him,” says the vet, examining my new pet Rottweiler who ruthlessly humps anything in his path.
It's super crazy that toothbrushes were only invented in 2003 and before that everyone just cleaned their teeth with old newspapers.
Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.
Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.
“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer
“Respect adults” was probably the weirdest rule we were given as kids, knowing what I now know about adults.
Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne
“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss
Say what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, but it keeps particle physicists off the streets.
A misplaced decimal can make things a hundred times worse.
Carrots are supposed to make your eyesight better but my blind neighbor still never sees them coming.
Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.
“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.
People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.
My word is my bond, unless you’re my landlord, in which case it’s $2,200.
I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.
Don't let “growing old” get you down; you may not be able to stand back up.
“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.
“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.
Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.
I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”
There should be a food delivery app that also tells you what part of your order will be wrong or forgotten.
It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.
I followed in the footsteps of my hero. Now he has a restraining order against me.
I love the Admiral’s Feast at Red Lobster, but I’ll never order the Ensign’s Expired Eel again.
I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.
My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.
It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.
You know what’s weird? The misspelling of wired.
I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.
I asked the waiter for an American cheeseburger so he pulled out a rifle and shot my burger 15 times.
I’m such a rule-follower, I lower my voice when I look through those Little Free Libraries.
I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.
The best jam: strawberry
The worst jam: toe
When I check to see if “risktaker” is one word, two words, or hyphenated, I feel like I'm missing the point.
The dentist wanted to know if my teeth hurt, so I bit him.
Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.
I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.
My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.
I can be spontaneous, given enough notice.
If I joined a motorcycle gang I would probably be the leader, since I own a car.
Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”
Two’s company, three’s a crowd, and four’s just enough to get my cult off the ground.
Am I okay? The short answer: no. The long answer: noooooooo.
To air is human. To forgive confusing a frequently used noun with an infrequently used verb? Divine.
Me: If memory serves me correctly–
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.
If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.
Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.
I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.
Hi, my name is Jacob, but my friends call me “overbearing.”
Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.
If I ever see Bigfoot again, I hope he’s changed his “no photos” policy.
God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.
I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.
“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like
If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.
It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”
They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.
It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.
They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.
I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.
I support a gossip-free workplace but I heard that some of our co-workers don’t.
Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.
It’s not our ability to love that makes us human… it’s our ability to select all the pictures that don’t contain a car.
They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.
Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.
“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.
“There’s broken glass in your sandwich, you should send it back.”
Me, mouth bleeding: “I don’t want to be a bother.”
There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.
My wife longed to hear the patter of tiny feet around the house, so I canceled our pest control service.
Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?
“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”
I always forget that too much socializing gives me the meet sweats.
Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.
It’s bonkers that some cult classics have smaller followings than some classic cults.
It’s a shame that the cave people could travel across the ocean millions of years ago for free using a simple ice bridge, yet today we spend millions on air travel.
Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.
Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.
When your friends go out for Spanish ham and don't invite you, that's lomo fomo.
“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.
I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.
If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.
They say you can't reinvent the wheel, but what would you call a Lazy Susan?
My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.
The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.
2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”
I’m a donkey and my pronouns are hee/haw.
If you’re ever on the run from the law, don’t get into a chase. That’s how they catch you.
Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.
Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.
Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.
A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.
Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.
I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.
Drinking daily green smoothies can provide up to 80% of your personality.
Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.
Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.
“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door
I write Star Trek: The Next Generation erotic fanfiction for a living. So, yeah, I work in Data Entry.
The Dad Joke is dead. Please welcome, the Papa Pun.
*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”
I love when movies based on a true story show pictures of the real people during the credits. It’s like, “Here’s the people you just watched, only uglier.”
I was listening to a news story on the radio about a family whose house had burned down and they lost everything, and I started to cry because I realized I’m now that person who listens to radio.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.
Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.
Stop saying “you are what you eat,” it's making me crave employed people.
Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?
Paper is just tree jerky.
Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.
I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.
Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can't see it.
I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.
If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?
The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It
An easy way to beat a lie detector is with a baseball bat.
He named it “The Lord of the Rings” when he COULD have named it “7 Hobbits of Highly Effective People.”
Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?
What kind of world is it that shorts are not half the price of pants?
Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.
I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.
How do we decide which soup of the day becomes soup of the year?
Don't judge me 'til you've cruised a mile in my Heelys.
Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.
Taught my dog how to shake. Now we just need to get her to explain the gap in her resume.
You are now entering the calzone, where everything is folded in half.
I’m very serious about minimalism. I bought like 20 books about it.
My kids are of the age now where their magic tricks are all in three parts, and the middle part is always “Look away.”
Give a squirrel a nut and you feed it for a day, teach a squirrel to nut and you'll be in prison for a lifetime.
If you don’t finish the punchline of a dad joke, it becomes an absentee father joke.
I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.
My job is very cool. (I build snow forts.)
“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.
Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?
Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.
I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.
I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”
My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.
Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.
Repeat after me: I am not a parrot.
If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?
Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.
Funny men attract hot women and funny women attract hate comments on Twitter.
My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.
“Nice zombie costume!” the kids at Halloween exclaimed as I opened the door in my usual work-from-home clothes.
I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.
Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”
I wish Amazon would buy Facebook so I can buy my privacy back.
I’m not addicted to caffeine, my boss is addicted to me staying awake at work.
You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.
When I did those alcohol safety modules for college, I was disgusted by reading about drinking. I told myself I've got to stop and I did. I'm proud to say I haven't read a single thing since.
A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…
I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.
The Super Bowl has become so commercialized, its religious meaning is in danger of being lost completely.
Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY
Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx
Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.
“I wish I had something to complain about,” she whined.
Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Caress the rainbow. Fall madly in love with the rainbow. Move in with the rainbow. Argue with the rainbow. Forgive the rainbow. Discover the rainbow has ties to the Mob. Forgive the rainbow. Avenge the rainbow.
A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.
I had a joke about World Introvert Day, but I think I'll keep it to myself.
You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.
How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.
🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵
I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.
I'm going out on a limb, preferably my legs.
Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.
We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.
Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–
*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.
My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?
If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.
If there were laws for dogs they’d probably stop messing around all the time and get to work.
Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.
Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.
My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.
*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?
Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.
I have seasonal allergies, which sucks because there are four seasons and one is happening all the time.
“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.
Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?
I love painting houses, but I hate property damage misdemeanors.
Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.
Shouldn't it be kidnabbing? Either way, to answer your question: Not Guilty, your honor.
“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.