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A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.

I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

When I was a boy I asked my father, “Why do they describe life as a circle?” He turned to me and smiled warmly. “Because it's pointless, son.”

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.

You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”

Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
1. Precious
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne

People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”

Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.

To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.

Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”

After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you're a man.

In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.

When your 3-year-old ends a FaceTime call with his grandmother by saying, “Now be sure to hit the ‘like' button and subscribe to my channel,” it may be time to rein in the YouTube watching.

I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.

I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.

“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.

Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.

I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.

“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.

How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.

I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.

Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.

When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?

Dog, patting legs: “Shit, can one of you call my bone?”

Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.

Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.

ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!

Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.

Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.

Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.

My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.

I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?

Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

If skinny jeans are out and loose pants are in, then what pants are ON? I AM NAKED AND COLD. PLEASE HELP.

My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.

Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY

Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.

My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.

I grew up in a pretty conservative household. Like, for example, when I lost a tooth as a kid, I’d put it under my pillow and wake up with it back in my mouth.

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).

I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.

They say that laughter is the best medicine, so I put Silly String in my grandpa’s oxygen tube. He said it tasted awful. Well, he didn’t say it, he just kind of mumbled it and then there was some loud and fast beeping.

Some of you have never searched for Atlantis and it really shows.

Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*

I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.

Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.

As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.

Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.

The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.

I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.

Beggar: Please, ma'am, I'm so hungry. May I have some food?
Woman: Sure, you can have my granola bar or my Pop-Tart. Your choice.
Beggar/Chooser: Everyone said this is impossible!

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

Guy #1: Do you feel like someone's missing?
Guy #3: Yes.

“No one can take away your master’s degree” she reassured herself while looking up a word from her first grader's schoolwork.

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.

When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?

Welcome to my EDtalk. My name is Ed, and I'll be speaking to you about what I consider valid and invalid nicknames for Edward.

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.

My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.

Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”

You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?

Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.

I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”

My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.

“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like

Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?

Books about cowards should have their spines removed.

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.

We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?

People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.

Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.

Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.

I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.

I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”

Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.

Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.

It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”

It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”

If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.

I don't have what it takes to be a kleptomaniac.

Gravity was its own downfall.

We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.

Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.

It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.

You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

Knock-knock jokes are for the child, knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock-knock jokes are for the octopus.

I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”

If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.

I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.

Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.

“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.

A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…

“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.

I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”

“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.

Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.

When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?

Titles Ethelred the Unready would have preferred:
Ethelred the Give Me Five More Minutes
Ethelred the I’m Tying My Shoes
Ethelred the Just Wait in the Damn Car

New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake

They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.

“Never stop exploring,” I say, as I find a previously hidden piece of belly button lint.

Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.

My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.

Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.

“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.

I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.

Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.

“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.

The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.

“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.

I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”

“You suck!” screamed Roger, leaving Eusuk the vampire to wonder whether Roger was referring to his name, his nature, or the fact that he had just missed a relatively easy penalty kick.

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?

If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.

Feelings: they never had a chance. You never hear about them swimming, only sinking.

The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.

How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”

My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?

Weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago and because weed lets you live in the moment but only because you can’t remember what happened two seconds ago because weed lets you live in the–

A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.

I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.