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There’s a lot of nepotism in the Zamboni driving industry.

I don't like kids. That's why I had low self-esteem as a child.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

Studying Bantu languages is tough at first, but eventually it just clicks.

I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”

Thank you, low-sodium hot dogs, for accommodating the health-conscious people who buy tubed meat.

I read that a shark will lose almost 1,000 teeth a year. And I thought I was forgetful.

Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.

You know what Kant said, so no point repeating it.

Make-up artist on Instagram live: So if you have any questions, leave them in the comments!
Me: *lowers hand*

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.

How many fanboys does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. The problem is, he'll refuse to take the bulb out of the box because then it “won't be worth anything.”

My grandparents grew up in the Depression. I grew up in the anxiety.

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn't, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

My favorite part about coffee is not hearing where the beans came from.

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.

“Kiss Me Thru the Phone” wasn't about phone sex, it was about how your relationship with your parents automatically gets better when you move far far away.

Has 2020 been wearing its Halloween costume all year?

New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

I am interested in making my ass completely smooth, with no contours or separation, like sea glass or Costco's floors.

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).

It's fitting that I never learned how to correctly spell “self-sabatogue.”

I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

Camouflage is great because it hides the people I already want to avoid.

Staring into the mirror, I say out loud, “You're such an idiot. What are you doing with your life? Maybe you should just drive yourself into a river, call it a day.” Which is a terrible thing to say, and an even more unsettling thing for the Uber driver to hear.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

A traffic cop's dedication to their work, no matter the weather or time of day, inspires me to be a better interpretive dancer.

When people say they need to “unplug and recharge,” are they just using a wireless charger?

Took down my crucifix today. Not because I don't believe. I just don't want a famous person to watch me cry-eat Scooby-Doo fruit snacks in the nude.

I like to think that Marco Polo found himself in the end.

If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, why is it in my house?

I have a face only a mother could push through a vagina.

When porpoises work out, do they get a rush of endolphins?

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?

“You're the one,” he always said to his wife. “You're the two,” he always said to his second wife. His English wasn't very good.

You know how magpies will seek out, treasure, and hoard shiny yet useless little things? That is how I act around the seasonal items at Trader Joe's.

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

“The only way out is through.”
—Me, forcing myself to finish the expensive iced coffee that I bought but don’t really like

Is there anything more precious than a child's laughter? Yes: their extremely valuable, and virtually unused, kidneys.

Listen, I’m just an ordinary Gleeflawrp. I put my qxtaag on one jrrtyllian at a bloarf, just like everybody else.

“This isn't my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.

If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

“Ready for our phishing trip, son?”
“I can’t wait, Dad,” the Nigerian Prince replied. “Just one problem: I don’t get my inheritance for a month. Can you send money to tide me over? I’ll pay you back double.”
“That’s my boy,” the King said proudly.

I want a trench coat so other writers will take me seriously and flashers will see me as competition.

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

A Narwhal-nado would actually be much deadlier than a sharknado.

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

One day in 11th grade we had the most appalling substitute teacher. He didn’t know the first thing about substitute.

When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.

Maeve, age 10: kale is a food I feed my guinea pig. It costs $1 for a huge bag. My guinea pig loves it, but it is all she knows.
Maeve, age 23: kale is a food I feed myself. It costs $15 for a tiny bowl. I love it, but it is all I know.

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.

My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.

I'm sure whales have a very beautiful name for them, but to humans, they're called blowholes.

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.

I wish more people were fluent in silence.

Tried to join a yoga class but even my schedule wasn’t flexible enough.

Every morning at four, I let two cats out and one cat in, except on Thursdays when I let one cat out and two in. The other cat stands in the doorway indecisively. This daily cat math has kept my mind agile for the last five years. Or has it been six?

Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?

My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.

Heard someone say that everyone picks their nose but I don’t remember getting to choose mine.

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.

“Rules are meant to be broken,” I whisper to myself as I leave my passionfruit tea bag in my mug several minutes past the recommended steeping time.

My dad saw a sign that said “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,” so he sped up.

I could never get a dog because you need to walk them no matter the whether. But people with dogs always say to me, “I love how my dog gets me out of the house no matter the weather, and it’s spelled ‘weather,’ idiot.”

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

We're experiencing a national coin shortage. It doesn't make any sense. How are activists supposed to make any change?

As an adult, you still have unrealistic dreams and aspirations. When you were a child you'd say, “I want to be an astronaut” to any grown-up who would listen. Now you say, “I want to be happy” to an apathetic pet or coworker who wishes you were both dead.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

Sock puppeteers probably start at ankle socks and work their way up.

Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I'll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”

When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.

They say Newton discovered gravity while quarantined during a plague. Big deal. I discovered vodka.

Spokane word poetry is really big in Washington.

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

“I'd like you better if you had blonde hair,” I say condescendingly to the squirrel outside my house.

It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”

Here's a little good news: The murder rate is going down. It's three hundred dollars now.

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

Get Rich Quick Scheme
Step 1: Wait for Rich in the deserted alley behind his apartment.
Step 2: When he appears, swiftly toss him into the back of your waiting van.
Congratulations, you got Rich quick! What you do with him is up to you.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

Remember 4th grade P.E. when you ran a mile in street clothes and then went directly to math?

Whoever said “actions speak louder than words” must not have heard about shouting.

The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.

“I am LITERALLY dying!” a dying woman exclaimed.
“Actually, you are figuratively dying,” a random man corrected her now-lifeless corpse.

We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.

I'm only 20 but I have the body of a 30-year-old—it's taking up all the room in my freezer.

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

I can see why they went for the brand name “Superdry”—“Arid” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”

ALWAYS recycle dead batteries. NEVER put them in the garbage. My brother WILL go through your trash and he WILL throw them at me if he finds them!!

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.

When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?

I’ve never had a Pap smear. The closest I want to come to getting one is going to the doctor, and having him pull out some knives, cream cheese, and bagels—a pap schmear. Sounds so much better.

I have a joke about my fear of skydiving but I’m afraid it won’t land.

It’s hard to rebuild a place after a fire. It’s even harder when it’s a wax museum.

I envy my dog’s ability to have a conjugal visit with himself.