Whenever I see a quarter in the “Leave a penny, take a penny” dish at the convenience store, I think, “Well, I guess a millionaire was here earlier.”
I used to have an irrational fear of leaving the house with the stove on. So now I just bring the stove with me.
In college, I study theatre, film, and creative writing. Which in the arts means I’m a triple threat, and in my family means I’m a “concern.”
I was at a barbeque and I saw that the condiments table had a sign reading “Please take only what you need.” I now have a table.
I checked into a hotel and asked for a wake up call. They said “you’re ugly and you’re wasting your life.”
Construction sign says “Road Work,” but how do I know if they won’t let me drive on it?
The woman sat in a corner, knitting a sweater. The man sat in the opposite corner, sweating a knitter.
Three VIPs got washed up on a desert island. Within a few days they’d all had a guided tour of it.
This meeting could have been an email. This marriage could’ve been a fling. This college degree could’ve been a phase. This breakdown could’ve been a day off. This life coach could’ve been a fortune cookie. This intervention could’ve been a meeting.
What does armed to the teeth mean? Isn’t that just braces?
My neighbor has a sign on his lawn: “No dog poop, please.” But my dog can’t read.
The American Déjà Vu Society were going to hold their annual convention in Chicago, until they realized they’d been there before.
Headstones at the comedian graveyard:
For Years I Killed. Seems Only Fair.
I’m the Headliner! Finally!
Take My Life, Please.
Thought I’d Live Forever. Joke’s On Me.
That’s All The Time I Have, Folks!
Are you tired and listless? Run down? Feeling like life is passing you by? I thought so.
Perforated eardrum (n.): A condition diagnosed by one’s toddler as they shove a LEGO brick progressively deeper into a parent’s ear until the answer to “Does it hurt?” is “yes.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like non sequiturs.
All the good ghost writers are dead.
“Man finds his stolen bike using an iPhone.” So maybe it wasn’t stolen. Maybe it had just called some friends to come pick it up.
The next species to become extinct will be the brain-eating amoeba.
I’m a double threat. Acting, and I have a knife.