You can find my writing in my journals, but please don't.

Do dogs know they have bones inside them?

I don't know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I'm shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.

It's kind of amazing how many words you can get out of the letters W, H, and O. Think about it: There's “who,” of course. There's “how.” Ah, maybe it's just two.

It is so rude to fall asleep during a meeting. It's like we get it, you “have a life,” you don't need to rub it in.

I saw a kid wearing a shirt that says “cousins make the best friends.” Great job to those parents for telling the world your kid has no friends.

I suffer from a disease called “resting approachable face.” It’s like “resting bitch face” but instead of people thinking I’m upset, they think I’d be willing to take a picture of their family.

Should a corn dog be called a cold dog since it needs a jacket? Or a HOTTER dog because it HAS a jacket? Something to chew on.

I heard minimalism reduces stress, but I've been worrying myself sick since I cleared out my bank account.

I’m vegan which means when I go out to eat with my family I get something with tofu instead of the respect of my grandfather.

Sometimes people qualify time as “good”: “How long’s it take to get there?” “A good half hour.” What’s a bad half hour? Is that when you have to listen to jazz fusion?

They say, “Revenge is sweet.”
They also say, “Revenge is best served cold.”
So I say, “Revenge is ice cream.”

It’s good to look up the difference between “effect” and “affect” every now and than.

I like eating at a diner. I like when the place is named after me.

Shouldn’t the word “phonetic” be spelled “fonetic”?

I recently bought memory supplements, but then forgot to take them.

Without my memory, who am I?

My favorite part of a nutritious breakfast is sleeping right through it.

If mermaids ate worms, it would change everyone's entire mental image of mermaids.

If you expect me to believe in reincarnation, you must think I was reborn yesterday.