I’m bringing back letter writing. Sending one letter a week to a random person for 26 weeks. I’m on “K”, they're all different. The random person is Emilio Estevez, who you might remember as Coach Bombay in the 1992 movie The Mighty Ducks.

I once worked at a used car dealership for cars that would randomly start driving. We stood behind every car we sold.

I have two cats: the black one is named Midnight and the orange one is named 5:45.

How come we can DRIVE on a PARKway but I can’t PARK my ASS in your HOT tub just because I don’t LIVE here or KNOW you?

If you die on a picnic, you die in real life.

I’m the Michael Jordan of softly saying “okay” to myself 75+ times per day.

The Electric Slide sounds like some sort of torture device, which also happens to be the way I view dancing.

I come from a very pretentious family. Our pet owl said “whom, whom.”

Veganism is fine, but some people take it too far. I know one vegan who won't even say cheese for a picture.

I’m a mnmlst.

After my wife accused me of being overly defensive, it took weeks to figure out how she breached the outer perimeter.

“Polar opposites” is a term we use to describe two identical frozen wastelands.

This, ultimately, is the message of the holiday card: “These are the best moments of our year—and they’re not even that good.”

Why don't we fight rising sea levels by raising sky levels?

I got my DNA test results back and am shocked to find out that Max is not my dog.

My grandfather had a problem. Well, he had many problems, but one of them was gambling. My mother inherited that from him. She couldn’t inherit anything else. He lost it all gambling.

“Quoting dead philosophers makes you sound like a prick.” —Plato

I guess after eighteen years, I'm willing to consider accounting my “calling.”

I never pay full price for designer perfume when I can buy generic. That's just common scents.

I saw a guy throw a trash can into a dumpster. Is that cannibalism?