My willingness to use words I don't know is truly plaintiff.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I actually find words, tone of voice, and agitated looks really hurtful, too. Come to think of it, there are many ways to hurt me.

I don’t mean to brag, but I make everything look much harder than it is.

Law Professor: Do you know all the amendments?
Me: I plead the seventh.

Bartender: And are you over 21, young man?
Me: Pffffft, please, I was born over 21.

When I die I want to be buried at sea, because it seems like a big headache for everyone involved.

Am I okay? The short answer: no. The long answer: noooooooo.

I don't have much to complain about lately, but other than that things are going fine.

He wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions, but he sure was afraid of clowns.

Me doing yoga to relieve my chronic back pain and close-to-arthritic spine? Now that's a stretch!

Your Porn Name is your full name, social security number, credit card number + expiration date + CVC + billing address + mother's maiden name, and all your email, social media & other account logins & passwords + Jeremy. Share yours below!

I wish I'd been alive when the wheel was invented, because it would've been awesome to see how stoked people were when they could finally use their cars.

My advice to anyone who needs to get their appendix removed is to hire a licensed editor.

My neighbors wanted their children to grow up bilingual so they alternated days in which they spoke English and French. This was not a problem until their son came to work with me and I couldn’t understand him half the time.

“Girls will be girls” I say as a drive over my neighbor’s curb and into her petunias for the second time this summer (:

Me: If memory serves me correctly
Memory: I DON'T WORK FOR ANYONE.

It has long been said that he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword, and he who does lifelike impressions of a bad Italian chef shall die by blunt-force tortellini.

A lot of people think that because I’m blonde I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant, but the truth is I’m going to say something stupid or ignorant because I have a liberal arts degree and an inflated sense of self-worth.

If a gym teacher blows his whistle in a forest and no one is there to hear it, did he still wish with that breath that he hadn't peaked as co-captain of the 8th grade wrestling team?

Oh, so when roosters wake up and immediately start screaming it’s “nature” but when I do it it’s “disturbing”?