Everything in moderation. In other words, extreme moderation.

My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn't have social media in high school” in my gratitude.

Prison counselor humor:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

A friend accused me of sharing humble brags, so I had him removed from my yacht.

People say they “summer” or even “winter” places, but never “fall.” “I fall in Delaware.” I think that means you live there.

Technically they’re not free weights if they’re trapped in a gym.

Contrary to popular belief I do not just “stay in sweatpants all day.” I start with outside sweatpants, then house sweatpants, and then bedtime sweatpants.

If you're happy and you know it overthink it until you're not sure anymore.

That moment at the dentist when you forget what the suction thing is called and ask for “Mr. Thirsty.”

Whenever I'm cutting peppers and I see one of those little baby peppers inside, I'm reminded why I became a pepper doctor in the first place.

I’d prefer to die in quicksand than slow sand.

In my family, we don't believe in punishing our kids. At least, not until they untie us.

I gave my wife a dozen roses. She never needs to know that I ate the other dozen on the way home.

My uncle used to advise me to never forget Leg Day, which was just what he called the day he lost his leg.

There's nothing worse than exercising, eating healthy, and not drinking, and realizing it works.

“Diet Me” walked so “Vacation Me” could run.

I went to Davidson College. I was… I always forget the difference between Magna Cum Laude and Summa Cum Laude. Anyway, I was neither.

They say live your life like it’s your last day on earth. I say, “Live your life like it’s your next to last day on earth.” That way if you screw up, you still have an extra day.

When God closes a door, sometimes he opens another, more confusing door like those revolving ones that are too big for one person but it’s weird if you go in with the person in front of you.

Why do some people look so cool wearing clear glasses, but I look like I’m about to mix unknown sample B over a Bunsen burner?