Why am I not scared of haunted houses? I don't know, nothing jumps out at me.
Learning how to pick locks has really opened up a lot of doors for me.
Before you act, ask yourself, is this: My circus? My monkey?
Life is like a Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying! Details to follow…”
This morning I decided to break an old habit and put on my left shoe first. Now they are on the wrong feet.
Got a pony for my birthday. It got a sore throat so I took it to the vet. The vet said it was just a little horse.
If it smells like toast, walks like toast, and talks like toast, you are taking some powerful drugs.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle of petty recriminations, narcissistic fantasies, and repetitive loops of boring shit and predictable disappointments you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.
I asked a restaurant host if he validated. “Yes,” he said. “You are kind and deserving of respect.”
In school they tell you history doesn’t repeat itself. But it does if you fail all the tests.
What happened to pirates? They went from plundering the seven seas to stealing my Amazon order at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I’m the one being punished for Harvey Weinstein: I haven’t seen more than two decent movies in the last six years.
What is worse than the fall of the Roman empire? The winter.
What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.
Getting a dog is a lot like gaining a frat brother: he's always down to go out and rage, he'll support and encourage you through all your bad decisions, and at some point he'll lay in a hidden corner of your bedroom watching you bone your girlfriend.
Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.
If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?
Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.
Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.
I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.
— Diana Witt, @_dianawitt