RIP Henry VIII, you would’ve loved Fruit Ninja.

My English teacher always told me “You can't spell ‘success' without help.” Because I was a really bad speller.

To choose the correct spelling, trust your judgement. Or maybe your judgment?

Weddings would be more fun if The Worst Man gave a speech.

I was going to attend a seminar on procrastination, but I told myself I could always go later.

“Not all who wander are lost” is a beautiful quote, but not so reassuring to hear from Google Maps.

Once I get to the income bracket where tax evasion seems like a feasible idea, that’s when I know I’ve made it.

If math is hard, then why are mathletes so soft?

“You’re an old soul” is a very polite way to say “you’re not fun to be around.”

Every kitchen knife I own is dull, and my forks aren't very interesting either.

🎶 My anxiety has a first name, it’s M-O-N-E-Y! 🎵

Try our new plant-based burgers. Based on the incredibly true story of plants.

Flying a kite is like having the wind on a leash.

Today, I saw the cutest baby making their parents laugh. But when I went over, the baby refused to repeat the joke.

It's called Reverse Psychology. Don't look it up.

Don’t be intimidated by super models. Super models are just normal people that were bitten by radioactive models.

When I look at those drawings where right-brained people see a horse, and left-brained people see a penguin, all I see is an artist that needs to change careers.

If my walls could talk they would say, “go outside!”

I can be spontaneous, given enough notice.

It’s bonkers that some cult classics have smaller followings than some classic cults.