I feel like I’m the one being punished for Harvey Weinstein: I haven’t seen more than two decent movies in the last six years.

What is worse than the fall of the Roman empire? The winter.

What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.

Getting a dog is a lot like gaining a frat brother: he's always down to go out and rage, he'll support and encourage you through all your bad decisions, and at some point he'll lay in a hidden corner of your bedroom watching you bone your girlfriend.

Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.

If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?

Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.

Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.

I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.

No, Slender James is my father. Please, call me Slim Jim.

When my uncle died, we bought the casket from IKEA. The funeral took all weekend.

Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!

You say I’m a terrible dad but my other family doesn’t think so.

Smart kids are gifted, smart adopted kids are re-gifted.

I don’t think hurricanes mean any harm, I think they just want to be on TV.

I don't understand oat milk. I've never met an oat with tits.

Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.

The police came to my house and told me I was a “person-of-interest” in one of their cases. My wife rushed to the door and assured them I had been a bore as long as she’d known me.

My parents have always been very supportive of my writing. I think that indicates how bad I am at everything else.

Lao Tzu once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'll take that step into a plane.