I could very easily commit to a crime—if it treated me right.

Men will respond to any number you say out loud. “He got it for 899.” “Wow.” “I know.” “Is that a good deal?” “I don’t know.” “Dollars or cents?” “I don’t know.” “What’d he get again?” “I forget.”

The word “queue” is so dramatic. Babe, you're a letter.

Thinking about being cryogenically frozen for a few years, I could really use a vacation.

I hear a lot of interesting kids names at the playground: Emory, Wellesley, Cornell. These parents really seem focused on college admissions. My wife and I weren't so ambitious. When our son came out, we looked at each other and said, “Ball State.”

The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.

If cancel culture is so real then why do I still have so much student debt?

Texting friends at 20: DUDEEES LET'S STAY UP ALL NIGHT TO WATCH THE BATMAN TRILOGY

Texting friends at 25: To whom it may concern, I am available to watch the first hour of The Dark Knight from 8-9pm, but have a hard stop at 9 for “Bedtime.” Thx

You say I wasn't an overachieving Asian kid but when my dad said to go get a stick for my beating I brought back the biggest hunk of bamboo I could find. And this was in Western Canada.

People always asking if you want to hear a “fun fact” but they never mention that the “fun” is silent.

“Easy like Sunday morning,” she muttered to herself, tweezing another Lego from the tub drain.

My therapist told me that OCD is one of the top ten most debilitating disorders. Since I'm competitive I wanted to know why we're not number one. How can I get our stats up? Is there a March Madness for mental illnesses that I don't know about?

Next time you use a bidet, do it blindfolded. It’s like a VR waterslide.

Gravity was its own downfall.

My friend lost his hearing and now he’s worried that he won’t be able to find a spouse. He’s afraid there’s no wife after deaf.

My friend asked me if I was a snitch, but I can’t tell.

A good dance instructor would convince NASA to adopt an up-count…

I finally quit Facebook. It was making me too angry, even with people close to me. My last comment was: “Die Nazi scum! And tell Grandma thanks for the birthday card.”

Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”

Me: I have Asperger's.
My Mom: What?
Me: I was diagnosed.
My Dog: Really sorry. Just wanted to ask about this butt food. Is it possible to do just the ass patty itself? Like, no bun? Actually, scratch that. I'll take it however the chef recommends.