Are you tired and listless? Run down? Feeling like life is passing you by? I thought so.
Perforated eardrum (n.): A condition diagnosed by one’s toddler as they shove a LEGO brick progressively deeper into a parent’s ear until the answer to “Does it hurt?” is “yes.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like non sequiturs.
All the good ghost writers are dead.
“Man finds his stolen bike using an iPhone.” So maybe it wasn't stolen. Maybe it had just called some friends to come pick it up.
The next species to become extinct will be the brain-eating amoeba.
I'm a double threat. Acting, and I have a knife.
On Sunday, I pulled a fossilized pistol out of the creek by my home. The scrawled initials read “T. Rex,” and I marveled as I cradled a relic of the world’s most dangerous small arms dealer.
Film about someone else: biopic. Film about yourself: myopic.
The scariest thing about ghosts is learning that “boo” isn't just an arbitrary sound, it's explicit disapproval.
I'm a triple threat: great at singing and horrible at counting.
Live your life like you will have something to say when a sadistic monster asks everyone in the meeting to share something interesting about themselves.
I'm a recovering workaholic. I haven't had a job for six years.
Counterpoint: Yes worries.
I had to split with my boyfriend last week. He was taking too many risks on his Yamaha. The last straw was playing Mozart's “Requiem” blindfolded.
I always put my coffee grounds in the compost pile. I like the idea of keeping those damn raccoons up all day.
5 Easy Steps to Manage a Panic Attack from Someone Currently Having One
Step 1: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 2: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 3: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 4: AHHHHHHHHHH
Step 5: The 4-7-8 Breathing Method
“Would you quit your honking. I’m going as fast as I can!” But the duck wasn’t finished telling his story.
Love is something you’re in, like tall boxes you can’t jump high enough to see over the edge of, or escape from, or scream loud enough for someone to hear you and cut a hole in to rescue you.
Hypochondria is best cured by letting people who think they're doctors treat people who think they're sick.