When my uncle died, we bought the casket from IKEA. The funeral took all weekend.

Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!

You say I’m a terrible dad but my other family doesn’t think so.

Smart kids are gifted, smart adopted kids are re-gifted.

I don’t think hurricanes mean any harm, I think they just want to be on TV.

I don't understand oat milk. I've never met an oat with tits.

Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.

The police came to my house and told me I was a “person-of-interest” in one of their cases. My wife rushed to the door and assured them I had been a bore as long as she’d known me.

My parents have always been very supportive of my writing. I think that indicates how bad I am at everything else.

Lao Tzu once said a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I'll take that step into a plane.

Early to bed, early to rise, makes people smug, annoying and unnecessarily enthusiastic.

In the joke, “Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side!” the chicken did intend to do so, but unfortunately met a car and crossed over to the “other” side.

When I said I wanted to make the world a better place I meant better for myself.

Are there intelligent life forms out there in the universe? Well yeah. No one's visited us yet.

“Gimme an ice cream sundae. Make it a double.”
–Child detective

When life gives you lemons, resell them as “rare, heirloom, organic, locally-sourced citrus produce.”

Just because I’m racially ambiguous doesn’t mean you have to guess.

Between texting and calling, I prefer showing up at your door to see the look on your face when you tell me you’re not home.

God reminds me of my ex. Why? He expects us to be only with him while he is with everyone.

Here at the Hampton Inn, hospitality is our priority! Our hotel is your home. Now answer me this, would you leave 30 soaking wet hand towels on the bathroom floor of your home?