For my next trick, I will replace calories lost hiking with this bag of chips.

I hope to die doing what I love: Creating content.

I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.

If time travel isn’t possible, then how on God’s green earth do you explain Colonial Williamsburg?

Idle hands are the devil’s playthings. Idle feet are the devil’s kink.

I'm not a life coach yet, but I was recently promoted to assistant life equipment manager.

I'm so proud of my son for starting his lemonade stand. How many kids put in the work to launder stolen lunch money?

It was the best of rhymes, it was the worst of fives.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me once, I’m still learning how sequencing works.

September 31 was the day I realized I needed a calendar.

I'm going out on a limb, preferably my legs.

The worst part about being blonde is that people assume you’re having fun.

“I can fix him,” says the vet, examining my new pet Rottweiler who ruthlessly humps anything in his path.

Some call it self-loathing, I call it empathizing with the people who know me.

Explaining the symbols on a map is the stuff of legends.

My job is very cool. (I build snow forts.)

I'm officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there's no tomorrow.

I don't go thrift shopping, I go good will hunting.

I asked my six-year-old why she didn't pick me as her hero for a school project. She said she thought the irony would be lost on her peers.

Last holidays, we only got to see grandparents on Zoom. This year, we get to smell them again.