What is the difference between a poet and a CEO?
A poet uses words and a CEO uses people.

Whenever a computer program crashes and asks if you want to either report or ignore it, I always click “ignore” because I’m not a narc.

Assistant: I’m here to help!
Boss: I’m here to make sure you help!

I called tech support for my quantum computer. They told me to turn it both on and off simultaneously.

If blindfolded, could a professional investment manager tell the difference between common shares of Coke and Pepsi? Discuss.

What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Yesterday!

LOST: Maze builder. Last seen on way to work.

Potential ridesharing company for teens: Uberty.

I really need to stop spelling “Colledge” with a “D”. Looks bad on my resume.

Hack: I updated my LinkedIn headline to “Visual Storyteller” and was instantly recruited by Rooms To Go.

“10 Ways to Fix Your AirPods” definitely means “We Don't Know What's Wrong With Your AirPods.”

Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can't see it.

The brain surgery industry seems biased towards elitists with medical degrees.

I support a gossip-free workplace but I heard that some of our co-workers don’t.

There should be a food delivery app that also tells you what part of your order will be wrong or forgotten.

I’m not addicted to caffeine, my boss is addicted to me staying awake at work.

An easy way to beat a lie detector is with a baseball bat.

If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.

I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.

Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”