I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.

There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.

We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”

Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.

“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War

To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.

Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”

Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.

If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.

I saw this ad for a sale that said “Buy one, get one!” And I was like—no shit.

The most important thing Brad learned at veterinary clown college was never to vaccinate the balloon animals.

I don't believe in hard work. It's just a way for some people to justify good fortune.

“I could get you fired if I had enough power!” exclaims self-righteous yet self-aware customer.

Calculus left me with emotional scars, but not the tools to calculate their surface area.

My family gave me a smartwatch for Christmas. I'm hoping it will help with my 12 steps.

People describe getting hair extensions like you'd describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”

Guide to Job Hunting:
1. Once you've hunted the job, cut the heart out and bite it as its beating slows.
2. Skin and drain the job.
3. Use all parts of the job—waste not, want not!
4. The bones of most jobs can be reshaped into tools to hunt future jobs.

When an airline pilot says they're taking off today, are they going to work or not?

My YouTube yoga instructor says to notice what’s around me (I notice there’s dust and hair all over my floor) then to do what feels good (so I don’t clean it up).

I don’t usually think robots are capable of true evil, but sometimes when I’m waving my hand frantically trying to get a paper towel dispenser to work, I can almost hear it saying “dance for it, stupid girl!”