I've been in a relationship with comedy ever since my father said I wasn't allowed to date anyone outside the doom-and-gloom crowd. Guess who's laughing now, Dad?
The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I’m like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, which is why I’m shouting it as loud as possible inside this Chipotle.
If you want to be an expert on the Middle Ages, you really gotta know yore shit.
They say patience is a virtue, but they don’t have to look so damn smug when they say it.
It’s called Reverse Psychology. Don’t look it up.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Repeat offenders are the worst.
Transparency is key, but for some reason most people can’t see it.
Trust me, you also don’t want to look a gift horse in the ass.
Things have gotten so bad that I’m now putting coffee in my coffee.