I’m not addicted to caffeine, my boss is addicted to me staying awake at work.
An easy way to beat a lie detector is with a baseball bat.
If you end all your emails with “thanks” they’ll eventually figure you out.
I'm glad I have social media because sometimes I feel a little too much like a real human being, and I need some anxiety to coax me back to normal.
Realty advice: rather than “haunted,” try “talkative” or “in high spirits.”
Say what you will about the Large Hadron Collider, but it keeps particle physicists off the streets.
I’m constantly asked how to build wealth—and it’s simple: have parents who consistently outperform the S&P 500.
The supply shortage is so bad this year kids won’t be getting razor blades in their candy until mid-February.
I wish Amazon would buy Facebook so I can buy my privacy back.
I’ve considered working at a new company. I’ve even considered working at my current company.
When you go to the office, you shouldn't have to leave your morals at the door. Your employer should provide a secure storage space in your cubicle.
I’ll sell my brain before I sell my phone, because it’s worth more these days.
There can only be one girl boss, the rest are just girl associates.
We run our home like a business, so our kids will understand that everything comes with a cost. They've been bugging me for months to raise their allowance, so finally I gave in and said, “Okay, but I'm cancelling your health insurance.”
Me: I'm not sure if I'm a “genius.”
Me: I'm not sure if you'd say that I can “spell.”
Me: I'm not sure if I “once left a man for dead” in “the Grand Canyon.”
Me: Sorry, what was the question again?
Interviewer: I haven't asked you anything yet.
“Approach each battle with the persistence of a Norton Security renewal notification, the clandestine secrecy of an overnight Windows update, and the capricious indeterminacy of a printer connection.”
—Sun Tzu, The Art of War
To be honest, a fair credit score isn’t.
Zoom meetings are just modern séances. “Hello? Is anybody there? Joe, are you with us?”
Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.
If there are two things I took away from my last job, they're kleptomania and my boss's computer.
— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack