I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.

I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.

Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.

*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.

Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.

I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.

I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.

People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!

I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.

Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.

I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.

Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.

*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.

Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.

They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.

All dating is carbon dating.

I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.

After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.

I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.