Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.

Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.

Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.

I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.

After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you're a man.

“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.

I want a small wedding. No friends, no family, just the Muppets.

We have to stop telling little girls they need to know how to cook and clean if they want to attract a good husband; it’s 2021: if you want to attract a good husband, you work on your Borat impression.

I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I'm doing fine though.

New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake

My five-year-old refers to his Hot Wheels cars as his girlfriends. I can't relate because I've never dated a toy that didn't have batteries.

Me: So anyway, that's why Jake and I aren't talking anymore, because of that thing I said about Jason, and now it's like where do I go from here, you know?
My Gynecologist: So, I'll just mark “No” for sexually active then?

If you want to make sure another person loves you back, try picking a flower with an odd number of petals.

I don't know why people knock The Pull-Out Method. It's worked for my family for generations.

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting: which girls are single.

Catcalling generally makes me feel weird and bad, but one time I walked out of my apartment and a man gasped and exclaimed, “A beautiful woman!” in the same tone a shipwrecked sailor might use when he sees help on the horizon, and it kind of made my day.

The closest I've ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.