Why don't animals ever 69? Because they can't count that far.

McDonald's Employee: The ice cream machine is broken.
Women: I can fix him.

My girlfriend is obsessed with true crime documentaries about women who kill their husbands. I'm starting to worry about her husband.

“Mommy, what’s that deep groaning sound from inside the walls, saying that being with an adequate partner is preferable to risking a lifetime of loneliness?”
“Don’t worry, Sweetie, that’s just the house settling.”

I’m so into shopping local these days I’m dating someone from my hometown.

I say I’m in my hot girl summer era, but all I really do is just go up to guys in bars and ask them why we can’t just print more money.

Gas is so expensive, I can’t even afford a sex drive anymore.

*Sees empty skyscraper* I can fix him.

Weathermen don’t have regretful one-night stands, they have overnight lows.

I want a man who will text me less than Seamless when food is on the way, but more than Seamless after I tell them the order was wrong.

I’ve been a cereal stocker for a while at my local grocery store. The pay is okay, but it makes for a terrible introduction when I go on first dates.

People look at me funny when I tell them I'm color blind. I'm not a freak. I still get turned on by peacocks!

I don’t know if my blood has a type. I’ve never let it date anyone.

Boy, are you serotonin because I just don’t get you.

I should have known Waldo would disappear on me like that. There were so many red and white flags.

Does anyone want to be in a platonic relationship? Asking for a friend.

*Tom Cruise on top* Oh boy, looks like we’re doing Missionary Impossible.

Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.

They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.