Hey girl, you must be a Terms and Conditions checkbox, because I’d ignore all the warnings and hit that.

— Christine Eno McMahon,

My sister can say Hugh Grant looks hot in Love Actually, but as soon as I say I want to make out with The Grinch, all of the sudden there's a problem.

— Olivia Wootton,

They say true love is when you love someone else as much as yourself. I know I'm in love because I absolutely hate my girlfriend.

— Will Dobbling,

All dating is carbon dating.

— John Alejandro King,

I asked my wife to get better about communicating her feelings, so she started making regular adjustments to my life insurance coverage.

— Karl Lykken

After further inspection, “boyfriend material” revealed to be cheap polyester blend.

— Emma Murphy

I’m “eh” sexual, which means I’m only attracted to Canadians.

— Jacob Nuckolls,

Your stripper name is the word “horny” and then your regular name.

— Collin Colson

Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.

— Jared Flood,

My wife thinks I'm suffering from depression, but I'm just experiencing a reduction in gross domestic product over two consecutive quarters.

— John Alejandro King,

Partly cloudy is just the sky announcing it has commitment issues.

— Sullivan Finlay,

(putting my finger to the lips of diabetes medicine Jardiance®) Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at “rare but serious bacterial infection that causes damage to tissue under the skin in the area between and around your anus and genitals (perineum).”

— Logan Corcoran,

Your porn name is the first and last name you used to pay your way through college.

— Steve Wyatt

Girl of my dreams: Loves me unconditionally, smart, beautiful, supports my decisions.
Girl in my dreams: Face is obscured, wraith-like, touches my elbow which makes me cum instantly.

— Jude Flannelly,

Being bisexual and anxious means everyone is a potential partner but also a potential threat.

— Isabel Brodsky,

I’m looking for a partner who gives me the level of attention, responsiveness, and general concern that a gym gives me after I've missed a couple of payments.

— Rachael Millanta,

My ex-boyfriend was way ahead of everybody in preparation for this pandemic, because he was already unemployed and living with his parents.

— Rachael Millanta,

Male seahorses are the ones that give birth and I'll bet they never shut the fuck up about it.

— Rachael Millanta,

After I came out as a lesbian my ex-boyfriend of two weeks asked what he did wrong.
Well, for starters, you’re a man.

— Laney Baird

“You’re not like other girls….”
Actually, raging IBS is pretty common among women.

— Isabel Brodsky,