I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.

It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.

“Snitches Get Stitches” wasn't Doctor Seuss's best work, but it was certainly his most memorable.

The hordes of out-of-towners who descended upon Walden Pond were told that the Thoreau Fair was a stone’s throw from the thoroughfare.

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?