If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?

It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.

Call Me By Your Name sounds like an un-filled-out Mad Libs prompt.

“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.

What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?

Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.

Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.

Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?

“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door

Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.

My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.

My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.

Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.

Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.

My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”

AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.

Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
1. Precious
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne

How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.

Books about cowards should have their spines removed.

Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.