My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.

My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.

Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.

Number one tip from medieval writers: avoid the plague like you do clichés.

My girlfriend broke up with me for falsely quoting movies all the time. All I said to her was, “Frankly, my dear, I don't care.”

AMBER ALERT: Middle-aged blonde woman in pink dress taken by spikey-shelled, bipedal turtle in egg-shaped, single-pilot helicopter. Last seen at border of Mushroom Kingdom.

Tracklist from Sméagol’s new album, “Precious”:
1. Precious
2. My Precious
3. The Precious
4. Not Their Precious
5. Our Precious, feat. Tech N9ne

How to Get Away With Murder? First, I'd probably pick a different name for your show.

Books about cowards should have their spines removed.

Whatever your opinion on Mark Rothko's art, you have to admit the guy didn't cut any corners.

I’m trying to sketch a bullet, but I keep drawing a blank.

Is Harper really that bizarre, or are you just a judgmental prick?

When I get angry, I turn green and burst out of my clothes like the character in that movie. Flubber.

It’s not easy being the son of Frankenstein. No matter how many bodies you reanimate, no matter how many villages get pillaged, people will always say, “Oh, you’re Victor’s boy!”

My mom says I shouldn’t write because I get confused too often. Like ok, what does she know? All she does is sulk, like Eeyore from The Little Mermaid.

The worst part about Christmas is wrapping presents. I bought my friend the latest 2 Chainz CD as a joke and asked the lady at the store to wrap it for me. She said, “I need a beat.”

I felt bad about slapping the bass at rehearsal yesterday. He’s new to a cappella and I was very frustrated with him.

“Climb ev’ry mountain. Ford every stream. Do it with REI.” -Maria Von Trapp, Instagram influencer

2020 has helped me understand the plot of Planet of the Apes better. I could see being so fed up with human leadership that you’re like, “Maybe we give the monkeys a shot.”

A humor writer walks into a deli and orders a pastrami on wry. The order is then rejected.