The Home Shopping Network is always saying “Operators are standing by,” and I'm like, “Finish the fucking sentence.”

I’m an anesthesiologist by day and a ventriloquist with a sedated patient by night.

I hate when people say Frankenstein's penis when they really mean Frankenstein's Monster's penis.

If you want to be an expert on the Middle Ages, you really gotta know yore shit.

My uncle always said, “Don't be the hero.” So I didn't pull the fire alarm.

Ok, I understand you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but who actually wants to read a WHOLE book to judge it?

If you've ever used the word “heretofore” in conversation, you've purchased something from a haberdashery.

Prison is just the most advanced level of escape room.

Want to write haiku
Don't have any ideas
Try again later

The drum: sounds' trampoline.

Which book about decision making should I read first?

If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.

You are now entering the calzone, where everything is folded in half.

It feels like they make movies these days like Midwest winters: no color, cold characters, and lasting a lot longer than you want it to.

I love when movies based on a true story show pictures of the real people during the credits. It’s like, “Here’s the people you just watched, only uglier.”

He named it “The Lord of the Rings” when he COULD have named it “7 Hobbits of Highly Effective People.”

If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven't invented flying cars?

In today’s market, there’s no way the average picture is still worth a thousand words.

If there's one thing I've learned about reaching for the stars, it's that famous people don't like to be grabbed.

Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.