If you date a musician, you don’t “break up” with them, you drop a new single.

You are now entering the calzone, where everything is folded in half.

It feels like they make movies these days like Midwest winters: no color, cold characters, and lasting a lot longer than you want it to.

I love when movies based on a true story show pictures of the real people during the credits. It’s like, “Here’s the people you just watched, only uglier.”

He named it “The Lord of the Rings” when he COULD have named it “7 Hobbits of Highly Effective People.”

If Shakespeare knew that more than 400 years after his death, people would still be enjoying his work, would he be happy? Or would he be mad because we still haven't invented flying cars?

In today’s market, there’s no way the average picture is still worth a thousand words.

If there's one thing I've learned about reaching for the stars, it's that famous people don't like to be grabbed.

Being homeschooled is like going to Hogwarts: if you learned anything, it’s magic.

I don’t care where the states are located. If Oklahoma was next to Maine that’d be OK by ME.

Gamblers: Read ‘em and weep
Gardeners: Weed ‘em and reap

I guess I'm going to have to be the one to produce the Scarface prequel, Scabface.

Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.

Funny men attract hot women and funny women attract hate comments on Twitter.

“That’s show biz, kid,” I whisper to myself after making yet another decision I know will make my life worse but definitely more interesting.

I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.

My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.

Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.

I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.

If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?