Just because I wore all denim to a wedding doesn't mean I'm down with Mumford & Sons.
Funny men attract hot women and funny women attract hate comments on Twitter.
“That’s show biz, kid,” I whisper to myself after making yet another decision I know will make my life worse but definitely more interesting.
I'm a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.
My son was bitten by a mouse and now he really likes cheese. This could be the worst superhero origin story ever.
Whoever said “brevity is the soul of wit” never heard my lesser-known belief that in fact, the opposite of brevity (lengthy, meandering wordiness) may truly be at the heart of what many people, such as myself, think of as humorous joke-telling.
I have a degree in climate change, and in ten years it turns into two degrees.
If your joke kills, does that make you guilty of man’s-laughter?
It’s pretty crazy that the writer of “John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt” knew another guy with the exact same name.
Call Me By Your Name sounds like an un-filled-out Mad Libs prompt.
“Writers of the future” sound like a bunch of procrastinators if you ask me.
What sounds do crickets make when another cricket’s joke bombs?
Harrison Ford plays Dr. Ricchzzxkaddw3rmms Kiowmcockble, an innocent man who is desperately trying to clear his name.
Hey kids, Elmo is now in his forties, so if he asks you to tickle him, please tell your parents.
Who has two thumbs and never says the punchlines of old jokes?
“It's not really ‘rock music' so much as it's a blend of super-inverted neo-eco-organic noncore and a multi-voiced hyper-infarcted pop-rock-steel-feel experimentation in mono-dialogical noise.”
—Rock musician from next door
Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” is honestly a lot worse than the other Fifty Shades books.
My new novel is coming out. Join me for the genre reveal party.
— Rick Post, @RickPostCo
My two-year-old saw something today that no toddler should ever see at the park: a Shakespeare play.
Patient: (moving his leg) It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: So don't do that.
Patient: I have to, I'm an actor.
Doctor: Can you do it differently?
Patient: Well, I've wanted to get into directing for a while.— Eli Rubin, @eliisahack