God, exhausted after having created the sun: “Let’s call it a day.”

Damn, the Twin Towers really did everything together.

I'm not saying that I'm more honest than God, but I've never promised victory to both sides of a war.

People refer to us as a spiritual couple but I think they just mean poor.

I let Jesus take the wheel but ended up at a crossroads.

I'm not saying I'm better than Jesus. But I have 13 followers, and he only had 12.

Frugal church seeks organ donor.

It’s difficult to tell how spiritual animals are, but I am fairly certain most monkfish believe in Cod.

I’m an activist and scholar whose praxis embodies the intersections between liberation from systemic injustice and screaming demeaning names at strangers.

I'm so woke, my favorite romantic comedy is “Um, Actually….”

Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.

Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.

I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.

*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?

Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.

They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.

If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.

Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.