I'm so woke, my favorite romantic comedy is “Um, Actually….”

Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.

Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.

I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.

*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?

Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.

They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.

If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.

Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.

Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.

I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.