I'm so woke, my favorite romantic comedy is “Um, Actually….”

— Gregg Maxwell Parker,

Three wise men arrive at the manger to see newborn baby Jesus.
Joseph: Why do they call you wise men?
Wise Man: We book our rooms in advance.

— Todd Mitchell,

Jesus spoke to me at church last night. “You wore that yesterday,” he said.

— Jeff Bender,

JFK said, ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country's congressmen to change the laws so you can get a larger tax refund to give to that congressman.

— Mark Ratledge,

Call me idealistic, but I want to live in a world where cyberbullying kills more people than heart disease.

— Maxwell Gay,

I don’t mean to get political, but I love a good party.

— Melanie Shapiro,

*Sees someone with gold, frankincense, or myrrh* Oh a wise guy, eh?

— Jacob Nuckolls,

Beggars should not be choosers. They should be cooks, firefighters, scientists, something that pays.

— Maxwell Gay,

They tell me I shouldn’t eat so much red meat because of how it disrupts everyone else at church.

— Maxwell Gay,

If you didn't go to Catholic school, “dress down days” were when, if you raised enough money for charity, your entire class got to make fun of your outfit.

— Ryan Sutton,

Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.

— Jared Flood,

Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.

— Alice Lahoda,

I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.

— Matt Reigle

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

— Jacob Nuckolls,

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

— Steve Wyatt

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

— Jeff Bender,

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

— Liam Paris,

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

— Emily Kling,

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

— Grace Fetterman

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

— Lindsay Marie,