Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don't worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.

Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.

I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.