Sure, eat the rich if you want… but it sort of seems like an unnecessary extra step.

— Alice Lahoda,

I’m going to run for mayor not because I want to get into politics or help my community, I just love cutting ribbons with giant novelty scissors.

— Matt Reigle

“Yes, it will be the most popular fruit of all, but also it will be CRITICAL to Sex Ed classes around the world!”
—God, inventing bananas

— Jacob Nuckolls,

If the government banned circumcision, heads would roll from the top down.

— Steve Wyatt

I have this friend I call “the priest” because he wears all black and carries a rosary. Once he even enrolled at a seminary and took a vow of chastity, and now he says Mass every day and lives at a rectory. He's a priest.

— Jeff Bender,

God, grant me the Courage to use words I don’t know the meaning of,
Serenity to argue the definition of those words,
And Felicity to hold my ground in said arguments.

— Liam Paris,

“We are not sheep.”
“All together now!”
“We are not sheep!”
—Conspiracy theorist subreddits

— Emily Kling,

Global warming is the biggest thirst trap of our time.

— Grace Fetterman

Breaking News: Congress found a quarter behind America's ear.

— Lindsay Marie,

The New York Times will say “Breaking News!” then tell you news that is still intact.

— Isabel Brodsky,

Nobody ever talks about defunding the fashion police or abolishing finger guns.

— Donovan Keene,

Given the choice, I'll bet Mary would have preferred an immaculate birth.

— Rich Pliskin,

“Purity Ring”? No thank you, my Brita pitcher and I are just friends.

— Gracie Kairis,

Transfers of power more peaceful than the 2020 US presidential election: Steve Harvey announcing Miss Universe; when my dad asks my mom what's for dinner and she says, “I don't know, what’d you make?”; Soon Yi going from daughter to wife.

— Amanda Gordon,