I used to know all my friends’ phone numbers by heart and now I can’t walk into a room without saying “what was I gonna do in here?”

— Sarah Hass

I don’t want my doctor to wear jeans and say, “Call me Staci!” I want an 80-year-old in a white coat with glasses who is wise and doesn’t know what TikTok is.

— Sarah Hass

Every workout class today:
– Held in a dark cave blasting remixes at a decibel level you didn’t know was legal indoors
– The instructor is named Morgan, the perkiest girl in Bama rush
– Morgan smile-yells into a microphone to do an exercise you’ve never heard of

— Sarah Hass

Anytime someone compliments my gold watch: “Oh thanks, it doesn’t work, it was $11.”

— Sarah Hass

My therapist wants me to get in the habit of waking up, meditating, and writing down five things I’m grateful for in a journal. So every day I wake up, have a mild panic attack, and write “that I didn’t have social media in high school” in my gratitude.

— Sarah Hass

Whenever a computer program crashes and asks if you want to either report or ignore it, I always click “ignore” because I’m not a narc.

— Sarah Hass

Contrary to popular belief I do not just “stay in sweatpants all day.” I start with outside sweatpants, then house sweatpants, and then bedtime sweatpants.

— Sarah Hass

That moment at the dentist when you forget what the suction thing is called and ask for “Mr. Thirsty.”

— Sarah Hass

There’s nothing worse than exercising, eating healthy, and not drinking, and realizing it works.

— Sarah Hass

“Diet Me” walked so “Vacation Me” could run.

— Sarah Hass

When God closes a door, sometimes he opens another, more confusing door like those revolving ones that are too big for one person but it’s weird if you go in with the person in front of you.

— Sarah Hass

Why do some people look so cool wearing clear glasses, but I look like I’m about to mix unknown sample B over a Bunsen burner?

— Sarah Hass

I’m neither an early bird nor a night owl, I’m a midday pigeon who only leaves my apartment to procure garbage food.

— Sarah Hass

Sometimes I like to give myself pump up talks on Sunday nights as a reminder that the only thing I can control is not bringing a positive attitude to work.

— Sarah Hass

Sometimes when I move the space heater from the living room to the bedroom, knowing I’ll have to move it back to the living room in the morning, I think, “WILL I JUST HAVE TO KEEP MOVING THIS BACK AND FORTH UNTIL I DIE?”

— Sarah Hass

People describe getting hair extensions like you’d describe getting your period to a fourth grader: “You can still do all the same things! Swim, take a bath, even go for a run!”

— Sarah Hass

I’m not the type of crazy ex to key your car or anything, I’m the type of crazy ex who has taken a virtual Zillow tour of the home you bought with your new girlfriend and knows where you sleep. I’m doing fine though.

— Sarah Hass