Hi there,

I saw your Craigslist ad about needing a date to your office holiday party, and I’m very interested in being your plus one!

I’m sure you’re getting a ton of emails from other very eligible women, so here’s a little bit about me and how I can help make your holiday party a success.

If you get stuck in social situations and aren’t sure what to talk about with your boss:

I have a knack for quickly elevating menial small talk into meaningful conversation. I once complimented someone on their clogs at a Target and ended up receiving a restraining order literally only a few days later (#itwas12pages #humblebrag).

If you’re shy and looking for that complement who’s always the life of the party:

I once entertained several troops on a USO tour in Fort Hood, Texas with an original one-woman skit. In a nod to my tenacity, this was also completely unsolicited, like I had to find out where and when this was happening and I paid for my own plane ticket, and no one would even tell me any details or scheduling.

If you’re anticipating quite the raucous evening (or brunch, either one—I’m open to day alcohol) and afraid you’ll be the drunkest one there:

Not if you have me on your arm. There’ll be such a crowd clamouring to disentangle my monkey grip from scaling the decorated Douglas fir that you’ll slide right into the janitor’s closet to puke completely unnoticed.

If your company’s a bit more refined and you need a date who’s sophisticated, understands social etiquette, and can talk culture:

I’ve both started and continued War and Peace numerous times, can speak extensively to Ken Burns’ Vietnam in a pretty spot-on Asian accent, and created a MasterClass curriculum titled “From Sporks to Spoons: Silverware Etiquette for Hookers and the Rest of Us” based on the cutlery lesson Barney taught Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

If you’re worried we won’t be able to convince your colleagues I’m truly your girl:

I have two ex-boyfriends, a former Bed Bath & Beyond employee, and a 3rd degree connection on LinkedIn who can all corroborate that when I’m into something, I’m in it.

If you secretly have your eye on another Christmas cookie at the party:

Not to worry, I’m a firm believer in bros before ho ho hos. Go make out with your assistant and I’ll provide the distraction. I have a live-action rendition of “Good King Wenceslas” that I’ve actually been dying to perform ever since I found out that Seton High School does not accept outside submissions for their talent show.

Hope this sheds some light about me!

Also, when you respond can you CC my friend at [email protected]? Don’t let the email fool you, he’s definitely more just like a cool buddy who is extremely interested in my every move for the next 26 months. I think the three of us would have a blast at the party!