Daily Log of a Recently Sober Pirate Captain Who’s Still Experiencing Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms
7:00 A.M.: Threw away my eye patch. Since I no longer have alcohol-induced optic neuropathy in my left eye I “SEE” no sense in keeping it.
Tag: Alcohol
What Your Drink Order Says About Your Teaching Career
10th-grade math teacher: Once a year, on your birthday, you drink a full pint of vodka, walk into your closet, and scream.
Please Don’t Talk to Me Until I’ve Had My Coffee, My Anti-Depressants, My Cholesterol Medication, a Shot of Whiskey, a Breath Mint, and a Pound of Bacon
How is it that my morning routine is simultaneously killing me while also helping me barely cling to dear life?
I Found a Bar Where Everybody Knows My Name, but They’ve Been Chanting It for the Last Three Hours and Won’t Stop
Just over and over again, and it’s been like three hours. Or possibly thousands of years, time sort of has no meaning here.
Your Son Got a Sip of Dad’s Heineken and It’s Affecting His Performance in 3rd Grade
When learning how to read an analog clock. He raised his hand and guessed the time was “beer thirty.” It was 11:18 AM.
Of Course I Have a Bottle Opener on Me, It’s My Entire Personality
I’m a bit of a superhero, if you think about it. I’ve got all sorts of bottle openers on me at all times.
Tasting Notes of Cocktails You Will Not Be Ordering
There’s no way you’re shouting “SEX ON THE BEACH, PLEASE” over the too loud music.
“Friends” Episode or Me Ordering a Shitty Microbrew I Can’t Remember the Name of by Describing the Stupid Label?
How you doin' (on this quiz)? Remember “The One with the Cake” and “The One with the Baby on the Bus”?
The Book of Genesis, If God Was Creating a Party
And God said, “Let there be great music so none of them talk to each other,” and there was a DJ who worked in finance but DJed on the side.
Andy Cohen Drunkenly Hosts Other Holidays
Labor Day - Here’s what they won’t tell you about Karl Marx: He’s a daddy!
I’m the Artist Who Leaves Beer Cans on Hiking Trails
I tell stories of humanity. Some about a guy getting drunk in the woods. Others about two guys getting drunk in the woods.
I, Jesus Christ, Hath Risen and Wow You Guys Have a Lot of Seltzer Brands Now
How do these seltzer companies make money in such a saturated market? What gives?