6:30 A.M.: Woke up exhausted from the night before. It was either because of the chamomile tea I drank right before going to bed last night or the constant heart palpitations and general insomnia.

7:00 A.M.: Threw away my eye patch. Since I no longer have alcohol-induced optic neuropathy in my left eye I “SEE” no sense in keeping it. I said that at dinner last night and no one laughed, which sent me into a violent rage.

7:45 A.M.: Vomited while eating breakfast. This time it wasn’t because of the rotten goat meat or moldy mangoes.

8:30 A.M.: Fully regained control of my speech. I can finally pronounce words like “hello” and “friend” again instead of saying “ahoy” and “matey.”

9:45 A.M.: Fired a warning shot from my flintlock musket at an approaching Spanish galleon. It took everything in me not to fire a second shot into my skull to relieve my splitting headache.

11:15 A.M.: Bird watched while my crew forced six British prisoners to walk the plank. I spotted a Cuban Blue-Headed Quail Dove before entering a series of tactile hallucinations.

12:00 P.M.: Sang a sea shanty to help distract myself from the phantom taste of rum in my mouth. Unfortunately every sea shanty ever written is about rum in one way or another so it only served to fuel my aggressive cravings.

12:30 P.M.: Tried eating lunch but was completely uninterested in it. It’s a shame because today was maggot-infested sea biscuit day which is kind of like the pirate version of square cheese pizza day.

1:15 P.M.: Had a seizure while my second mate gave me a tattoo. I wanted the words “just breathe” written on the inside of my wrist but instead I got “just breassthe.” Not to be THAT pirate but I’ll probably get it covered up with a skull and crossbones or something.

2:00 P.M.: Flogged my men because they couldn’t find the treasure I buried eight months ago. Immediately afterwards I remembered that I totally forgot to even bury the treasure and now that I think about it the chest is definitely still sitting in my closet.

2:50 P.M.: Finally had my first blood-free pee. Not counting the blood in my urine from the scurvy I contracted two months ago.

3:30 P.M.: Took a nap during my daily mid-afternoon wave of depression while my crew attacked and captured a French merchant vessel. I used to be so passionate about murder and robbery but now all I want to do is sleep during the day.

4:30 P.M.: Went to a tavern and the whole crew made fun of me for ordering a half soda water half cranberry juice. I smiled and laughed along and then stabbed my quartermaster in the throat.

5:20 P.M.: Told a tale recounting my capture of Portobelo Port with only two blackout memory gaps this time. Or was it Port Royal? No, no it was definitely Portobelo Port. I think.

6:50 P.M.: Began to shake and sweat uncontrollably while playing poker. Everyone thought I was bluffing the whole time so I absolutely cleaned house.

8:15 A.M.: Completed my nightly meditation before going to bed. I listened to the peaceful sounds of ocean waves gently crashing against the bow of my ship, distant birds singing in the wind, and every artery pulsating in my body.

9:45 P.M.: Screamed at the top of my lungs as I succumbed to full-blown delirium. None of my crew came to check on me, but to be fair they probably just thought I was using the urethral syringe again to treat my never-ending syphilis.