Allow me to be the first to say congratulations, cuck. You just subscribed to my Domstack.

Substack might have more than 35 million active submissives on their platform, but we do things a little differently around here.

Here’s how it’s gonna go: from now on, you will wake to a piercing ping from your email inbox. Every morning, 6 A.M. sharp. The notification will be the sound of a haughty laugh—the sort of insufferable chortle you only hear at a cocktail party before a guest says, “Hon, you clearly haven’t read Proust.”

With the Beta Bootlicker subscription plan, you’re not allowed to start your morning—no coffee, no shower, you cannot so much as sit up—until you’ve scrolled through my polemics on blockchain and Waymo and why both sides of the Musk-Altman trial were actually right if you think about it. Just lay there and take it, like the doormat you are.

Every intellectual discovery that I hatched in the Planet Fitness locker room will replace your front page news. Every witticism that could have been a bangin’ Bluesky post will be stretched into a 23-paragraph dissertation that you will hungrily devour while—

To continue reading, become a paid subscriber to Domstack by Brock.

That’s what I thought. You can’t resist my intellect, can you? You crave my contemplations crushing you like a pea-brained gnat who can’t even get it up (your hand in a seminar, that is). And now that I’m thinking about it, your brain probably isn’t even the size of a pea. Because peas are bigger than gnats. Read a book, blockhead.

Now that you’ve upgraded to the Dirty Pay Pig tier, grab your blindfold because this subscription level grants you access to exclusive voiceovers accompanying every article. You’re welcome.

Since my manifestos are above your reading level, these audio recordings are mandatory listening. Connect via Bluetooth to the nearest speaker and crank it. It’s imperative you truly grasp my intonation and tone, straight from God’s lips to your ears.

I want decibels high enough that you get a noise complaint. Then, once the cops arrive, turn it louder. If they give you any trouble, tell them you’re with me, Domstack by Brock. You’ll gain their respect immediately. I always speak truth to power.

And, luckily for the boys in blue, you’ll already be in handcuffs—

To continue reading, triple your donation to Domstack by Brock.

Good boy. You’ve been auto-upgraded to Daddy’s Favorite Dunce lifetime plan.*

*THIS FINAL SUBSCRIPTION TIER COMES WITH A PRE-SIGNED WAIVER BECAUSE YOUR CEREBRUM WILL GROW SO GIRTHY AND YOUR NEURONS WILL BURST SO HARD THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE TO SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION.

But don’t even think about bursting. From now on, the only thing you’ll be getting off? Your own train of thought onto mine. Choo-choo, cum laude rag.

If you need a break to cool down from all this red-hot cognitive stimulation, we’ve thought of everything. Our safe word? Verisimilitude. Good luck saying that.

Should your cursor so much as brush the “unsubscribe” button, a hardcover copy of Infinite Jest will materialize out of thin air and squash the offending finger. This is your forever.

As Slavoj Žižek elucidat—

To continue reading, pledge all of your intellectual property, past and future, to Domstack by Brock.

Wait. What do you mean, you’ve had enough? You haven’t even gotten to the Latin portion of Dominatiostackus a Brock. But if that’s all your tini brainius can handle, fine. A pseudo-intellectual like you probably only made salutatorian back in high school. Meanwhile, I watch Bill Maher.

Do you regret cancelling your subscription to Domstack by Brock?

No? Seriously? No one has ever taken control like this before.

Without you, my musings are meaningless. I’m a pedant posting into the void. I’m no better than Neil deGrasse Tyson. If a Domstack is posted in the middle of a forest, and no one is around to endure it, does it even genius at all?

No. It doesn’t.

Verisimilitude! Versimilitude!! Versimilitude!!!

I need you. You’re my only subscriber. I’ll do anything to get you back. Anything. I can change. How about a compromise? I can let you take the lead, if that’s what you’re into. We can be Dom and Dom-er. Or, wait, I’ve got it…

Allow me to be the first to say I hear you, cuck. You just subscribed to my Switchstack.