Behold, it is I, your lord and savior, Jesus Howard Christ. I am here to make the world right again, but first I need to talk about something because if I don’t, it’s going to bother me. What is with all of these seltzers? La Croix, vodka seltzers, coffee seltzers, wine seltzers, the list goes on and I am shocked. Back in my day we had one liquid that could be multiple drinks and that was water—why do you need so many of essentially the same thing?

Anyway, seeing the suffering man has undergone since I’ve left has saddened my noble heart. Genocide, war, famine and…. Before I go on, something is confusing me. How do these seltzer companies make money in such a saturated market? It seems like one or two companies have cornered the market, yet every store I visit, there is a new brand. What gives? Hasn’t everything been done in this space?

Sorry, back to what I was saying.

Greed and avarice have poisoned the soul of man. An endless thirst for profit over the good of the soul has left humanity empty. Speaking of thirst, I tried the Bud Light seltzer and it was not great. Why would they label a seltzer with Bud Light (a well-known beer), is this a light seltzer? Is it beer-flavored? Why not call it something else?

I know I am 2,022 years old, but I can’t be the only one getting confused.

Where was I? Ah yes, it is time for a reckoning. The poor and the meek shall have their time to purify the world and bring glory to god. The one true path to heaven is to dispense with all earthly temptation and find solace in who we are, not what we have. We can maybe keep La Croix because of the hundreds of brands I've tasted, I actually enjoy that one—mostly the pastèque flavor, I find the lime flavor to be a bit too artificial for me. Now that I think about it, I did enjoy White Claws, even though I'm a few hundred years too old to drink them without being embarrassed.

Come to think of it, it’s pretty awesome how many different options of seltzers we have now compared to my day.

Back in my day we just had wine and mead, which usually tasted awful. To tell you the truth, most of the reason I abstained from alcohol was because it didn’t go down smooth, like at all. People at the last supper would offer me alcohol and I’d say no because it’s impure, but really it just gives me a headache and I didn’t like the taste so I always stuck with water…

How did we get on this? What was I saying before about my return?

Oh yeah! Back to the second coming. I am aware that there are many cynics out there who do not believe in me or in the power of god that flows through me. In order to convince the pagan masses, I will be performing several miracles. Turning water into wine seemed to do the trick back in the day. But I suppose it is a new era so I can reboot some of my miracles into something with a modern flair. For example, I could turn regular seltzer into hard seltzer. In fact, I could start my own seltzer brand that is seltzer that was turned into wine seltzer by me! That would be different enough to fly off of the shelves I bet. If Bud Light can make seltzer, why can’t I? I could call it Miracle Seltzer. “What Would Jesus Do? He would drink a Miracle Seltzer.” The marketing writes itself!

You know what, screw this Christianity stuff, if capitalism means we get endless seltzers, then let's roll with it, forget all of my hippy stuff. If anyone needs me I’ll be working on my seltzer start-up and gambling on college football.


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