Brandy — High school English teacher

Ever since you were invited to attend a murder mystery party as Herman Hesse in your freshman year of college, it’s been your drink of choice. Edgar Allen Poe handed you a goblet of Cognac, and you exclaimed, “Zat is delectable mein Amerikanischer Freund!”

Nothing relaxes you like putting on a woolen sweater, grabbing a good book of poetry, and a glass of Christian Brothers to watch some mixed martial arts.

PBR — Grad student on a teaching fellowship

Your $19K annual salary only gives you so many options. But you’re 25, hungry to get your drink on, and talk some Foucault. PBR (with a certain type of devil-may-care facial hair) signals, “I may be poor and live in Iowa, but actually I have a lot more in common with the Brooklyn literati than the 50-year-old next to me at the bar.”

White Wine — Middle school art teacher

Nothing in your life has inspired you like that one semester abroad in Paris 20 years ago. Meeting friends to sit on the Seine, imagining you were Monet, downing bottle after bottle of Chardonnay and Sauvignon Blanc with a baguette and a brick of brie, is the muse you chase.

You come home, after a grueling day teaching 12-year-old boys to care about fine art, open your bottle of Trader Joe’s Chardonnay, and think of the painter you never became.

Whatever is in the Back of Your Parents’ Liquor Cabinet — 22-year-old substitute teacher

You got your BA all of three months ago and are back in your hometown, figuring out what to do with your life. But for now, you’re living large on $80 a day, seven days a month, trying to decide if your date will be more impressed by the half-finished bottle of creme de menthe or the limoncello your mom bought in duty-free on your family trip to Rome, ten years ago.

Jaeger Bombs — Elementary school teacher

No one parties harder than an elementary school teacher.

You’re ready to rave at a moment’s notice, with glitter on your fingers and face paint on your cheeks, and a roll of glow-in-the-dark stickers to pass out to strangers. All you need to make the night complete is a flight of Jaeger bombs.

Vodka — 10th-grade math teacher

Each Monday and Thursday, you have exactly one unit of vodka after dinner to unwind. You drink it after eating exactly 300 grams of roasted chicken breast with steamed broccoli.

On Saturdays, you treat yourself to two units while you play online Strat-O-Matic baseball with your friend Jim.

Once a year, on your birthday, you drink a full pint of vodka, walk into your closet, and scream.

Kale Smoothie and Bone Broth — Vice principal

You can see the summit, and you’re going to make it.

Your daily routine starts at 5:00 A.M. with thirty minutes of meditation, a cold shower, and a kale smoothie. Throughout the day, you pace the halls listening to mindfulness podcasts, taking swigs of bone broth from your Stanley brand super-sized adult sippy cup.

Long Island Iced Tea — Adjunct humanities professor

Your salary is basically the same as the grad students splitting a pitcher across the bar, but you’ve got a dissertation under your belt that holds your fate in a balance. You may look more wise and mature, but the hope, innocence, and access to your parents’ health insurance are gone. You need something that gets the job done.

It’s not drinking alone if you’ve brought your unfinished book manuscript with you.