Of Course I Have a Bottle Opener on Me, It’s My Entire Personality
I’m a bit of a superhero, if you think about it. I’ve got all sorts of bottle openers on me at all times.
Comedy Writing
Updated Rules for Our Town’s Annual Rubber Duck Race
No glass bottles. No breaking glass bottles. No threatening Duck Race volunteers with broken glass bottles.
Introducing Claritin-UB: The Only Allergy Medication for Used Bookstores
The haunted attic-tested formula will have you back to browsing through buttermilk-colored paperbacks in as few as 30 minutes.
The “Micky Mouse Pancakes” on Our Kids Menu Are Not Affiliated with the Walt Disney Company
Smiling or otherwise expressive mouse head-shaped pancakes are trademarked.
Heads Up! This Church Choir Is About to Sing the Hell Out of “Little Drummer Boy”
Don’t you dare be soothed into chorale complacency by our initial thin delivery and ambiguous harmonies.
It’s Time to Rethink Our Rubber Chickens
Our rubber chickens—and indeed our entire portfolio of goofs and gags—have lost their context. Dare I say, they are no longer funny.
Nobody’s Ever Thankful for Me, the Folding Chair from the Spare Room Closet
I’ve seen more get-togethers than Uncle Harold, may he rest in peace. He sat his ample frame on me dozens of times. His bum was one of the good ones.
How to Humiliate Your Cast Iron Skillet
If your skillet is a dirty little vessel that needs to be put in its place, here's the proper way to utterly humiliate and defile it.
What Coronavirus Is Thankful for This Year
I’m thankful for friendships, romance, love of family--any bond that involves physical contact and is so strong it can supersede self-preservation.
An Oral History of the Monster Mash
Igor: The Lab was like a Studio 54 for ghouls and goblins, before we could be open about who we are. We were always coming up with new dances.
We’re Your Sectional Sofa and We’re Breaking Up
We’ve worked everything out with our mediator, Coffee Table. You can sit with me, Loveseat, on weeknights and with Chaise for naps on weekends.