All the signs are there. Darren’s always said our relationship is “the one perfect thing in this godforsaken hellhole of a country.”
Well, I bet you all felt pretty stupid a month later when we got divorced. You all are just wrong time after time.
The May-Decemberita: Sherry with a sprinkle of Molly.
Instead of throwing your funds away on selfish pursuits, this new program ensures your precious headcanon stays intact.
He asks you about yourself, things like, “Can you give me a kidney?” and, “So how’s about that kidney?”
I was awoken by the sounds of you two screaming at each other. People make less noise being shanked in the shower.
When I married my wife, I assumed all of her knowledge. That's how marriage works. Marriage means sharing everything.
Discover a New Type of Bug: When you’re talking about the bug on National Geographic, make a joke about how you’re single.
The Instant Pot is everything you want in a partner: dependable, easy to understand, warm, generous, creative, talented, and great in the kitchen!
He loves late-night, steamy phone calls when I’m home alone. I always tell him it’s such a boomer move but he just loves hearing my voice!
Q: Do I have to call Pete Davidson "Dad"? A: No one will ever replace your biological father, but Pete Davidson will be around to keep your mom company.
-The “proper” way to peel a banana (other fruits and vegetable should be fine) -Organized religion -The taste, texture, or general concept of milk