Instead of throwing your funds away on selfish pursuits, this new program ensures your precious headcanon stays intact.
He asks you about yourself, things like, “Can you give me a kidney?” and, “So how’s about that kidney?”
I was awoken by the sounds of you two screaming at each other. People make less noise being shanked in the shower.
When I married my wife, I assumed all of her knowledge. That's how marriage works. Marriage means sharing everything.
Discover a New Type of Bug: When you’re talking about the bug on National Geographic, make a joke about how you’re single.
The Instant Pot is everything you want in a partner: dependable, easy to understand, warm, generous, creative, talented, and great in the kitchen!
He loves late-night, steamy phone calls when I’m home alone. I always tell him it’s such a boomer move but he just loves hearing my voice!
Q: Do I have to call Pete Davidson "Dad"? A: No one will ever replace your biological father, but Pete Davidson will be around to keep your mom company.
-The “proper” way to peel a banana (other fruits and vegetable should be fine) -Organized religion -The taste, texture, or general concept of milk
I think we can all agree: it is odd how a single (accidental text message / vote with my fellow Cardinals) can change the course of history
Medically Speaking, Loneliness Is Just as Deadly as Smoking? So Yeah, You Could Say That I Like to Live on the Wild Side, Baby
Yeah, I’m the Leonardo Da frickin’ Vinci of avoiding meaningful human interactions.
Matchbox 20: Things will go great until you ask him about his favorite band.