When I married my wife, I assumed all of her knowledge. That's how marriage works. Marriage means sharing everything.
Discover a New Type of Bug: When you’re talking about the bug on National Geographic, make a joke about how you’re single.
The Instant Pot is everything you want in a partner: dependable, easy to understand, warm, generous, creative, talented, and great in the kitchen!
He loves late-night, steamy phone calls when I’m home alone. I always tell him it’s such a boomer move but he just loves hearing my voice!
Q: Do I have to call Pete Davidson "Dad"? A: No one will ever replace your biological father, but Pete Davidson will be around to keep your mom company.
-The “proper” way to peel a banana (other fruits and vegetable should be fine) -Organized religion -The taste, texture, or general concept of milk
I think we can all agree: it is odd how a single (accidental text message / vote with my fellow Cardinals) can change the course of history
Medically Speaking, Loneliness Is Just as Deadly as Smoking? So Yeah, You Could Say That I Like to Live on the Wild Side, Baby
Yeah, I’m the Leonardo Da frickin’ Vinci of avoiding meaningful human interactions.
Matchbox 20: Things will go great until you ask him about his favorite band.
My own spider (Cecil) was like the son I never had. Actually, I have a human son, but he's been quite a disappointment to me.
You started to leave my cap off, like it was no big deal.
Here they come—the very few remaining loved ones that will still attend this charade. There’s Grandpa Ernie, wearing his pajamas.