Top 10 Reasons I Still Need a Cowboy to Take Me Away in 2024
Milk is fucking expensive. Let the cows bring me both my free dairy and the ability to skip the long Sunday checkout lines at the local Target.
Comedy Writing
Top Ten Tips for a Safe and Effective Fire Drill at Euphoria High School
Do not schedule the drill during prime hangover hours.
Hi! It’s Me, the Girl Who Bullied You Relentlessly in High School and I’ll Be Your Coronavirus Nurse!
I haven’t thought about you, but I’m sure you’ve thought of me plenty between the scars I left on your psyche and my popular, unprofessional TikToks.
It’s Me, The Retail Worker You Don’t Think Deserves More Than $2/Hour but That You Expect to Be on the Frontlines of the Pandemic Response
Since you believe we’re immune to feelings, it only makes sense that you believe we’re immune to the coronavirus, too.
The Other People Elizabeth Warren Is Accused of Murdering, Besides Michael Bloomberg
Margaret Thatcher - Notice you haven’t heard a peep from her since April 8, 2013? Women can also be agents of the patriarchy, too, you know.
In Loving Memory of the Beto O’Rourke We All Used to Think Was Hot
He is no longer the youth pastor you spoke with about the morals of masturbation too many times; he is the teacher that made you believe in bullying.
Area 51 Raid Packing Essentials
A stolen bomb squad dog to sniff out the aliens. (They probably smell kind of like TNT.) Your grandmama Ellis’ necklace, so you can be buried with it.
The Ultimate “Before Climate Change Ruins the Planet” Bucket List
Accidentally kill yourself on a snorkeling adventure you’re not trained for to see the coral reefs before they, too, go to be with the lord.
Twelve New Career Ideas for Student Loan Collectors If Elizabeth Warren Becomes President
Finally, you can be the cafeteria worker whose job it is to take lunches away from elementary schoolers who forget to bring their lunch money.
Things I, A Super Progressive White Man, Am Willing to Forgive Beto O’Rourke
Having sex with my wife. She was planning to vote for Kamala Harris and not Beto prior to their sexual encounter.