A funeral director who thrives on the “watching people cry all the time” aspect of the job.

An ICE agent who will continue ruining lives through an action-packed career—unless my girl Elizabeth gets rid of that shit, too.

The cafeteria worker whose job it is to take lunches away from elementary schoolers who forget to bring their lunch money.

The teacher whose job it is to traumatize those same elementary schoolers through active shooter trainings.

Dana Loesch’s makeup artist.

A pediatric dentist who habitually “forgets” to numb the area before drilling a cavity.

A label maker who habitually “forgets” to print that the granola bars may contain peanuts.

Murdering Howard Schultz, hiding the body, and then assuming his identity.

Suburban white soccer mom who does not tip the lady who gives her a manicure because she can only tip in cash and the first time it was a semi-understandable accident, but now she just refuses to adjust and plan ahead yet still continues to frequent the establishment.

Double dipping actor who plays the rapist in two separate episodes of Law and Order: SVU.

Publicist whose job it is to announce the divorce of a beloved celebrity couple, prompting dozens of heartbroken Buzzfeed articles.

A human iteration of the Duolingo Owl who is not afraid to make those home invasion memes come true.

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.