Jared Kushner’s Skin Care Routine
He hangs the skin carefully on a manikin and covers his true skin with a protective layer of mucus---the air is very harsh on his delicate scales.
Tag: Politics
How to Use the Internet, For Boomers
The internet is one big lie. If you think someone’s telling the truth online, then you’re lying to yourself.
After Watching These Debates, Am I the Only One That Doesn’t Really Care Who Takes the Ring to Mordor?
Men of Gondor can afford to discuss this ad nauseum, because even under Sauron’s rule you’d be fine, because, let’s face it, you’ve always been fine.
The Children of the Corn Give Thanks for Corn Subsidies
Thanks to the Farm Bill's protections, we can look after our community without having to do the murderous bidding of He Who Walks Behind the Rows.
8 Ways We Can Make Impeachment Hearings More Pow! Bang! Boom!
The members dance in like Ellen: Everyone loves Ellen! She’s the kind of complacent we can all get behind!
List: Republican Senators Question Mother Goose During the Impeachment Hearings of Fairy Tale Villains
I’m looking over the transcript between the sea witch and the Little Mermaid and I don’t see the words "squid pro quo" anywhere.
Bill Gates, I Implore You to Connect the Dots and Give Me a Couple Billion
Despite being “Employee of the Month” at the Chili’s I work at, this pales in comparison to the abysmal feeling of not being a billionaire.
List: Simon Says for Future Women in Power
Simon says stand on one foot, while also juggling four frying pans and reciting today’s history lesson on the Battle of Bunker Hill from memory.
List: Wedding Vows for Conspiracy Theorists
Do you promise to never fake orgasms or moon landings? Will you open your heart to your spouse’s family, friends, and cabals?
In Loving Memory of the Beto O’Rourke We All Used to Think Was Hot
He is no longer the youth pastor you spoke with about the morals of masturbation too many times; he is the teacher that made you believe in bullying.