List: Cuomo’s COVID-Safe Reopening Plan Expanded to All 2021 State-Recognized Holidays
May 5 – Cinco de Mayo: IVs previously containing live-saving antivirals and convalescent plasmas will be replaced with frozen margaritas.
Tag: Politics
List: Tenant Security Deposit Deductions for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Item Removal Charge: 660 million expired, room temperature vaccine doses. Attached note: “SEND BACK. Already had virus!”
Russian Hackers Also Condemn the U.S. Government’s Weak Response to Their Recent Cyber Attack
Nobody likes working a job where their accomplishments go unrecognized or unnoticed, covert Russian hackers included.
List: “Reaching Across the Aisle to Better Ignore Your Base” Team-Building Itinerary
10:00 AM Icebreaker: Hot Potato – Toss the Responsibility of a Stimulus Package Back and Forth Without Letting It Touch the Ground or Help Anyone
Maybe the Real Stimulus Checks Were in Our Hearts All Along
I think the lesson is: the stimulus check isn't about being able to afford basic necessities. It's about reconnecting with a part of myself I lost.
Thank You, Government, But $600 Is Just Too Much Money for a Simple Man Like Me
I don't need nothin' special or luxurious. I am just a regular guy with simple tastes and One Dollar rent.
FAQ: Fact-Checking for New Conspiracy Theorists
Q: How can I tell if someone is trying to deceive me? A: Ever since my yoga teacher introduced me to QAnon I realized the importance of credibility.
I’m a Republican Building a Coalition with Democrats, and You Should Stop Worrying about Me Spending so Much Time with Your Wife
It’s been proven time and time again that this country thrives when we reach across the aisle, civilly shake hands, and give our wives their space.
We’re the Founding Fathers and Actually? We Invented Modern Democracy as a Joke
We are really vibing with 2020. We just had bubble tea for the first time! Back when we were alive, tea was just this, like, sad British thing.
I Don’t Know Who I Am Anymore if I’m Not Receiving and Ignoring Election Emails
I am in the wrong house. Where are the 17 pieces of paper asking me to vote Jackie F to help save the environment?
Kendall Roy’s Letter to the Waystar Royco Board about His Three-Thousandth Vote of No Confidence
I was last seen breaking into Madison Square Garden and jamming out to Blueprint where I fell asleep with a bleezie and burnt the building down.
We Are Rejecting Your Ballot Because You Did Not Include Shrek Ears Over the “S” in Your Signature
The signature we have on file features Shrek ears over the "s" in an apparent reference to the 2001 DreamWorks film starring Mike Myers.