“The Bible’s right. You’re better off to wait. I just wish we all had more patience.” — Senator Tim Scott, Republican Candidate for President
Being a virgin isn’t easy. What with Pete Davidson, Cardi B, and those sexy M&Ms, it seems like everyone in our culture is getting laid except for me.
It’s hard enough seeing all these people in pop culture get it on—but somehow, it’s even worse in politics. For most of American history, the stereotypical presidential candidate has essentially been a horny dude. FDR famously boinked his own wife’s secretary. JFK had his not-so-secret fling with Marilyn Monroe. Bill Clinton loved to slobber on a very phallic saxophone. And don’t even get me started on William Howard Taft—I know why that guy was stuck in the bathtub for so long.
Look, I have nothing against coitus as a concept. You all can have all the wet, hot premarital sex you want, for all I care. But for virgins like me, it’s nearly impossible to find candidates who like to take a load off the way I do: kicking my feet up with an ice-cold glass of Hawaiian Punch and a couple pre-taped episodes of 60 Minutes. Not since the ill-fated James Buchanan have we virgins had any representation whatsoever in federal politics. Until now.
That’s right: Tim Scott, South Carolina’s celibate Senator himself, has officially launched his campaign for president.
Senator Scott began his political career in 1995, when he was elected to Charleston’s City Council—making history as the first openly virginal adult man ever to serve in the seat. Since then, he’s been making virgins everywhere proud, standing up for good, old-fashioned abstinent fun: reading, praying, playing ukulele around a campfire (anywhere besides sleepaway camp)—traditional pastimes that just don’t have enough sway in our modern, sex-obsessed culture.
And unlike other virgins who have shied away from sharing their stories with a national audience, Senator Scott is sure to center virgin values in his platform. He won’t let his lack of sex scandals deter him; he’ll focus on making sure every American has access to basic libido killers, like subscriptions to the Criterion Channel and graphic tees that say “Mommy’s Little Gamer.”
While other politicians waste time bragging about the size of their hands and sending nudes to each other over Facebook Messenger, as president, Tim Scott will tackle the important issues: banning books, cutting the minimum wage, and creating more tax havens for tech billionaires, without making lewd jokes along the way.
I don’t claim to speak on behalf of all virgins, but I have to say: I’d take comfort in having a president who thinks that “head” is just the thing on top of your shoulders and a “rimjob” is when you get new tires for your car.
Senator Scott’s critics may claim that he doesn’t have the life experience or basic human empathy to be president—and that he just isn’t qualified to make policy on issues like abortion, contraception, or family leave. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. After all, there’s nobody better to legislate on these issues than virgins like us: we don’t have any skin in the game. Literally.
So please, join me in celebrating this breakthrough moment for the virgin community. With any luck, in just two short years, America will have a fellow virgin in the White House—and I look forward to raising a nice, warm mug of whole milk to us all!