Welcome! As a mega-donor conservative billionaire, you have been enrolled automatically to participate as a contestant on Netflix’s groundbreaking new reality dating show, Justice Is Blind, hosted by Clarence Thomas. Read on to learn what that means for you!
What is the premise of this unprecedented new show?
Justice Is Blind follows Clarence Thomas, Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court, in his delightfully romantic quest to find his new Billionaire Best Friend Forever.
As a contestant, you will meet Justice Thomas in the “pods,” a series of small rooms connected by a shimmering blue wall that allows you and Justice Thomas to hear, but not see each other. Once there, you and Justice Thomas will meet for a string of blind “dates,” during which the two of you will have the chance to form a strong emotional bond. Since you have only ten days in the pods, we urge you to move quickly and be vulnerable. If you think that Justice Thomas is a brilliant jurist, say it! If you want to boast about the enormity of your wealth—don’t hold back! Sharing these sorts of intimate feelings will help you and Justice Thomas form the sort of friendship that will last for at least the rest of his tenure on the Supreme Court.
Is there a dress code?
Justice Thomas will be wearing a flowing satin robe. Don’t be afraid to wear something that puts you in the mood, too.
What if we form a really deep connection in this ten-day period?
This will definitely happen. While the mainstream media might say otherwise, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with forming a deep emotional connection with Justice Thomas in a very short amount of time. Many billionaires just like you did it within seconds of his ascension to the Court!
What happens after ten days?
After ten days, Justice Thomas will ask one lucky billionaire to be his new BBFF. Remember, because Justice Thomas is making this decision sight unseen, it will be based exclusively on the strength of your emotional connection and also the gifts.
Yeah, we should have mentioned that earlier. He’s pretty into those.
Can I just give him cash like the other politicians I’m in bed with?
How dare you! This is a sitting Supreme Court Justice! Get creative. Think romantic superyacht trips to the tropics or private-school tuition for his family members. Remember, if everything goes well, you might just be Justice Thomas’s new BBFF, so put some thought into it!
What if I still want to give him cash?
Fine. Just make checks out to “Ginni L. Thomas.”
What happens if I say yes to being Justice Thomas’s BBFF?
If you say yes, the two of you will meet in person on a red carpet, where you may hug and also kiss Justice Thomas depending on your level of comfort. Next, you will be whisked away to a luxurious, all-expenses-paid vacation (you pay) in Indonesia, where you will continue to spare no expense to court him like the above-the-law royalty he plainly believes himself to be.
Can I talk to Justice Thomas about cases pending before Court that I want to influence?
Absolutely not. That would be completely unethical. ; )
What happens after our luxury trip?
Then it’s back home to Washington D.C., where for the next few weeks you’ll have the chance to meet and seek the approval of his mother (by agreeing to purchase her house) and his wife (by directly paying for her salary). If you are still ready to move forward, you and Justice Thomas will officially be joined together as BFFs in a small ceremony presided over by a teary-eyed Chief Justice John Roberts, who will bless your union and thereby annihilate any last shred of legitimacy the Roberts’ Court ever enjoyed.
What if people don’t approve of the unconventional way in which we formed our relationship?
Look, there are bound to be some Doubting Thomases. A small portion of your friends and relatives, and also the vast majority of the country, will find this whole idea disgustingly corrupt.
But you know what? Fuck ‘em. They’re going to judge you no matter what you do. And the only judge whose opinions you should care about is your new bestie, Justice Thomas. And of his opinions, the only ones you should care about are the formal, written ones that he’s supposed to, but does not, author impartially as part of his job.
Sounds fun. Is any of this legal?
Probably not. But if anyone tries to sue us, we’ve got a heavy hitter inside the legal system, and we’re pretty sure he’s willing to go to bat for us. After all, if this show is a success, our man on the inside is going to be raking in some serious royalties.