Colin Heasley | Points in Case

Colin is a writer from New York. He has written humor for McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Reductress, BuzzFeed, and Splitsider.

Comedy By Colin Heasley

Do not allow my legacy to be tarnished by an out-of-touch billionaire who is disseminating white supremacist content over the internet.

I am dead-frozen inside, and this fleece vest is the only thing that holds my cold capitalist heart at a temperature resembling warm-blooded life.

There can be a hundred people in a hundred different rooms and none of them believe in you. Sometimes things just work out like that.

Many have told me that there would not be a problem in the first place if I would just get out of the way. Unfortunately, that isn't how I see it.

Visual Processing (1/20th of a Second): Jeff Bezos will register a piece of visual information, sending it up the ocular pathway to the brain.

These events are particularly disturbing given that we do not know Gritty's political party, nor is he a resident of the state of Texas.

There's no catch, except that I'm going to be making sure you check each and every one of those little "D" boxes on your ballot, you hetero freaks.

Um, I don't know why anyone but Tim Cook is still reading this, but you should probably bottle up your excitement...

So rarely is a short fiction necessary, but in times like these, reading pieces such as this truly massages my mimblelaxy.

Please insert your chip into the card reader. Please please insert your card. Please please please. Please society. Please the machine. Chip card.