Demonstrating Something on a Laptop

Now that my desktop is on the big screen for everyone to see, all I have to do is open this file…but it seems to have moved… Maybe it’s in “Documents?” Or maybe it’s in my camera’s selfie roll? Whoops! I swear that photo was for medical purposes.

Ahh, there it is, right in the center here labeled “Today’s Presentation CLICK HERE.” Ok, so we’ll just click on this little folder. Oh, I mean double-click. Actually, you’re going to want to triple click the power button, take a screenshot, and wipe the hard drive.

Agh, look at me triple-clicking. Can someone else do this?

Cooking for Friends

This is just like a quick-fire challenge on Top Chef: there’s a time crunch and four people watching. Yes, I know I just scraped two whole tomatoes into the garbage disposal by accident, did the recipe not say to blend? That smoke coming from the oven? It’s not dinner; it’s the oven mitt I left in there.

No need to panic! Would anyone like a bite from the cheese board while we wait? No, there’s no cheese, Miranda, it’s just the board.

Trying on Clothes in the Store

What kind of sadistic contraption is this? Oh, I see, I’ve put my head through a sleeve. So it’s a jacket, not a turtleneck with an asymmetrical shoulder cut-out? Now that I’m looking at it, it’s starting to grow on me, and not just because I’m tangled in my own jewelry and the snap seems to welded into my belly button. I’ll take it, and I’ll remove it at home where the only one who can see me is my cat.

Posing for Professional Photos

Hands or no hands? On my face or over my face? Yes, we can try a laughing one, although be warned: I haven’t laughed in years. Hold on a second, I have a pose I want to try that I saw on Instagram—it’s a leg out, eyes like Gollum sort of look.

And then I’m going to pivot to this angle where I’m smizing, but the smize is with my elbows. It’s an elbow-smize. Let’s do one with me biting my lip, but not, so both.

“Feeling cute might delete later!” Haha. No, I know you’re in control of that, so like, do what you have to do.

Applying Chapstick on Public Transportation

Man, this train is crowded, hopefully no one’s getting weirded out by my smooch face. It'll definitely be less strange if I pull my neck in like a turtle, while avoiding eye contact with others.

Good, good, the chapstick is hitting somewhere on my face. I feel it. It’s in the vicinity of my chin and nostrils. Why are you all looking at me? This isn't a makeup tutorial!

You know what? I’ll just get my lips at the next stop with a new crowd.

Giving Directions

Directions to 14th Street? Oh sure, actually, you need to go North-South from here and you’ll see a big sign that just says “5.” Basically, from that point, you’ll ford the river, buy two dollars worth of provisions from the shopkeeper, and then die of dysentery. That’s at the corner of happy and healthy. I only know it by landmarks, so when you see like a yellow brick road you’re pretty close. There’s a scarecrow that’s super helpful.

Exercising at the Gym

Thanks for the offer, but I actually have this working out thing under control. I’m totally owning this machine. What? Of course I know it’s just a water fountain! I’m basically an aqua sports professional. I’m not sure if you saw the drills I was doing earlier: two reps of dropping dumbbells on my feet, three phone slide off the treadmill, and that smooth superman glide off the exercise ball into the mirror.

Gotta finish strong—gotta leave it all on the mat—know what I’m saying?

Splitting the Bill

The spotlight is on, and I mean that literally: this restaurant has one naked bulb dangling overhead. How much is tax again, and is that per-person or total? $15.86 plus $6.25 is a total of dim sum. $128.46 divided by five is are you sure you have to use cash because everyone else is using a card? 20% tip is did Marcia just leave without paying?

Why are you all staring at me?