Yo, listen: even the raddest of dudes amongst us gets stuck in, like, a super unchill job search from time to time. GUuUhh, the recession: lame AF, amirite? Fortunately, if you're Tim motherfucking Cook, CEO of Apple, you can use these five ballin' tips to snag a dope pos-ish at the company of your choosing! And if you're not Tim Cook, you can read this article too, I guess…
Skip the borrrring application and reach out to the hiring manager directly.
If you're Tim motherfucking Cook, just ball really friggin' hard and introduce yourself with a direct phone call (your people can find the contact info). They'll be all like “HOLY FUCKING SHIT” and hire you right on the spot!
For everyone else, uh… I guess you could still do this but deffo don't leave any blank spaces on that Greenhouse form: we're looking for an applicant who's willing to show us the “whole picture” of who they are, ya know?
Don't be afraid to stick up for yourself in the hiring process, bro!
If a potential employer is asking for your signature “Tim Cook ideas” and “Tim Cook time,” say something along the lines of: “it sounds like you want me to do some dope-ly effective consulting work for you, and I'd be happy to oblige! My consulting fee is $150,400/hr.” Blammo! MindFUCK!
If you're not Tim Cook, well… now you're just wasting time that could be spent on your writing sample—if you farm content from Reddit it'll only take you four and a half hours-ish! Keep your head up buddy.
Never be afraid to pass on an offer when the employer is unwilling to negotiate the terms of your employieyoyieoyment.
If you're Tim motherfucking Cook, you can find a bitchin' second and/or third offer in 10 seconds flat, or just stay at Apple: the bomb-ass company you helped create!
Oh… you're not Tim Cook? Well, better backtrack on those benefit requirements, brosef—you might not get another offer for three or four months and rent is looking pretty steep!
Show some personality, breh.
Hiring Managers don't want to see a potential employee who's cowering like a limp cover letter on two legs—this is a great opportunity for Tim “IDGAF” Cook to show what a great culture fit he is!
Um, I don't know why anyone but Tim Cook is still reading this, but you should probably bottle up your excitement for anything except the specific tasks mentioned in the job description. That includes you, Bez-ziggidy-iz-os, my man! We've seen enough to make a decision and will be getting back in a few days.
Use the Apple Plane. (iPlane?)
We all know it's out there, just sayin'. There's nothing that impresses HR more than day tripping in a FULLY custom prototype aircraft that charges out of a USB-C port—we're bros now, so I should come too, obvs, haha. Just fucking do it Tim Cook. Just FUCKING do it.