Dear historians, congresspeople, and stylists: we find ourselves in grave circumstances. It has come to my attention that my likeness—that of the Julius Caesar haircut—has been co-opted for nefarious purposes by none other than Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg. I stand before you today, the humble hairstyle of a Roman dictator, asking to please not allow my legacy to be tarnished by affiliation with an out-of-touch billionaire responsible for disseminating white supremacist content over the internet.

Don’t get me wrong: the fall of an oligarchy? LOVE that. The thing I’m questioning is—hmm—EVERYTHING ELSE.

My main issue here is accountability. When Caesar wanted propaganda distributed, he went out and did it in the forums of Rome, using the power of the spoken word. He did not mumble evasive answers in front of a congressional committee. He did not obliquely let a third party haphazardly “fact check” content while attending closed-door dinners with wealthy conservative donors. He was, himself, a content creator. That is integrity.

Recently, it’s started to seem like a little fringe in the front might be coming back in style. There was Amélie. There was the alternative music scene. In retrospect, even getting stabbed in the back turned out to be pretty iconic. But these days, my reputation is on the line, and I won’t stand (lie flat across the upper forehead) for it anymore.

In the Gallic Wars, Caesar actually looked people in the eyes and saw their suffering before deciding they were his enemies and killing them. Imagine if instead of doing that, he paid soldiers $15 an hour to fight in the battle, and when they got one of their allotted 8-minute breaks he watched them cry in a hallway. If that was the way the Roman military was run, Caesar would have been assassinated MUCH sooner.

For the record, in the good ol’ empire days, this haircut had it going on! I was married three times, had an affair with CLEOPATRA, and most scholars will agree that I probably banged a couple guys. Sure, being murdered in public will do a number on your image for a few thousand years, but something you CAN’T recover from is being forever associated with a nerd who started a website to rate women from inside his dorm room. Leave me out of this!

Regarding democracy in general: I just want to be clear, I have no opinion one way or another. I'm hair, and haircuts are largely non-partisan (except for Can I Speak to the Manager, but she’s always been that way). But when it comes down to it, I’d rather be “The Caesar Haircut” than be involved in this Facebook business. Please respect my privacy at this time, although I realize, given recent events, you probably won’t.

Try growing it out!

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