Dear Every School Committee in America,

I formally request that you find the courage to ban my debut novel. I could really use the exposure.

Likely, none of your students or any of you have read my book, which makes sense because nobody reads literary fiction except people who think they can write literary fiction. Also, it’s not out yet.

Presales numbers are important to publishers, and a high-profile banishment is the 2024 version of an Oprah’s Book Club Sticker. Please don’t make me go on TikTok, some morning show, or, God forbid, a podcast to promote my life’s work. A simple and yet incomprehensible scathing story on the local nightly news about my book’s ban directed at people who don’t read would be great.

Before I go on, I’ll address the challenge of banning my book, as it is void of LGBTQ+ content, unwavering support of the Second Amendment, or a clever depiction of mice that provides children with an accessible way to learn the horrors of the Holocaust. Given the growing popularity of cancel culture, I ensured that my upcoming book did not take a side on anything, contained absolutely no subtext, and came to no conclusions.

It is only now that I realize being “canceled” is simply a revenue strategy.

I’m staring down the barrel of overdue student loans from my MFA and complete obscurity after spending ten years painstakingly lining up 87,342 words in a specific order that provides no insight into the human condition, original thought, or point of view.

However, I think that if you give my book a chance, you’ll find something to hate about it.

Conservatives: There’s a talking cat in the second act. Maybe you could fabricate that it’s non-binary for literally no reason at all, or the feline is promoting CRT, though it’s never specially mentioned or even hinted at?

Liberals: There’s a religious figure in the book who isn’t a villain.

Either Side: There are veiled criticisms of Paddington Bear throughout.

I don’t care which ideological side calls to ban it. I’m open to whatever group takes umbrage with my themes, style, word choice, typeface, or even author photo. Anything. Real or imagined. Once banned and ostracized by one side, I promise to cozy up to the other faster than it takes you to click “Buy Now” on Amazon.

Lefties and white suburban mothers who want to appear woke, ban my book! Conservatives and white suburban mothers who oppose the wanna-be woke moms, follow Tucker Carlson’s advice and ban my book! (Don’t fact-check that last one)

The best part about coming out guns blazing against my novel is that you don’t even have to read it. No one will check. Instead of spending hours or days reading the book and trying to learn something, you can simply cherry-pick specific passages and sentences out of context you’ve read on Twitter to make whatever point you want.

Come to think of it, you don’t even have to cite the book. Since no one in the discussion of banning books reads them, you can fabricate reasons you hate the book and me and literature and other people’s thoughts. What could be easier and more relatable than that?

Following the banning of my book, please show your disdain for the novel’s purposely conflict-averse narrative by burning it—just make sure to pay the full price first. Rumor has it that hardcover books are a better heating fuel than paperbacks.

The bottom line is that I can’t keep writing freelance marketing content for financial companies from my parent’s basement.

Please find the conviction to ban my book. I need the money.

An Author in America