Fire alarms are loud by nature, but you need to absolutely turn that shit up. If the volume doesn’t literally make the children’s ears bleed, they won’t hear it. Their eardrums have been brutalized by rave music, and only sonic bombs can compete for dominance.

Do not schedule the drill during prime hangover hours. School runs from 8 AM to 3 PM. The last hour of the day should work, at least kinda.

Confiscate all lighters and drug paraphernalia that could cause—Nah, we’re just kidding. We could bring the TSA in to help, but even they couldn’t get through every student’s drug-addled belongings quickly enough for there to be any time left in the day for teaching.

Ignore the school’s dress code. The teens are less likely to fight you on the more important stuff if you give up on the useless battles. A crop top is nothing compared to a wrongful death lawsuit.

School attendance is highest on Wednesdays, at a whole 30%. Have your fire drills then.

Accept that some of these kids are just going to die during a real fire. You’re not paid enough to try and convince Kevin that the flames aren’t a metaphor or a consequence of an LSD trip gone wrong.

On that note, get comfortable with illegal activities that might lessen the total number of fatalities in the event of a real fire. Buying and laying out ecstasy in a path between your classroom and the nearest emergency exit might be a moral compromise and a legal forfeit, but if it gets the saveable students out of the school…

But again, see the above tip. You can lead a hard-core party teen to a good choice, but you can’t force them to make it. You can’t save everyone, and politicians did not foresee our high school when they came up with No Child Left Behind. Let there be blood, baby.

Post about the fire drill on TikTok. Are you technically supposed to tell the students when a fire drill is coming? No, but with these kids, it is all about harm mitigation.

And finally, if none of your students are following you outside, excitedly announce that there’s a free Jack Harlow happening on the lawn! I don’t know who that is, but my teenage daughter said that should work.


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