Accidentally kill yourself on a snorkeling adventure you’re not trained for to see the coral reefs before they, too, go to be with the lord.

Yell at a teenage girl in a Starbucks for using a straw to feel a fleeting moment of feigned control over the inevitable.

Take your asthmatic child to the park.

Tell your next door neighbor who won’t go vegan that it’s all their fault.

DM Grimes on Twitter to beg her to beg Elon Musk to throw money at the climate crisis instead of making cars for men who sympathized a bit too strongly with Joseph Gordon Levitt in 500 Days of Summer.

Enjoy the “David S. Pumpkins” sketch from SNL on repeat before the first autumn without viable pumpkins rolls around and it’s too depressing to watch.

In that same pop cultural vein, enjoy the revival of the Jonas Brothers hit “Burnin Up” before it just feels too literal.

Go to an outdoor music festival before everyone starts passing out from the heat, and not just the white women in culturally appropriated outfits who filled their water bottles with vodka.

Have sex with your husband before even air conditioning can’t stop his dick from being too slippery to house a condom, as we all know it would be cruel to bring more children into the impending apocalypse. Thanks for making me a mom, Sofia; you’re not going to make it twenty!

Perform CPR on a polar bear.

Get all of those protest marches that are low key competitions for who can make the cleverest sign out of the way before stepping outside immediately and inevitably suffering from heat stroke.

Write a couple of letters to Congress. This probably will not do shit but at least you can tell your grandchildren (metaphorical if you don’t already have them) that you tried.

Check your city’s weather forecast and not immediately start crying.

Order your coffee iced because you’re hip and cool and fun, not because cold liquids are all you can bear.

Go swimming! We’ll really miss you, water!

Finally, just call your damn dad. No, he never went to any of your little league games and yes, he slowly drained the light out of your mother’s eyes, but that’s no worse than the average American father and we’re all going to die in a fucking inferno. Get over yourself, Linda.

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