My February Is Ruined Because This Isn’t a Leap Year
I am not entirely sure why I was so confident that this February would have an extra day.
Tag: Holidays
Valentine Preparedness Advisory and Emergency Response Protocol
Romantic pressure systems are likely to develop in the coming weeks and residents are encouraged to remain calm, plan ahead, and avoid unnecessary exposure.
Valentine’s Day Notes from My Severely Color Blind Partner
Life is never blue when I’m with you. P.S. What’s blue?
Ways I May Have Misunderstood “New Year New Me”
Committed identity theft by using a credit card I found on the ground to buy a new pair of toe socks.
Ebenezer Scrooge Reviews His Christmas Cards
From Bob Cratchit: A simple "thank you" note. "Neatly folded. Handwritten and handmade—on my office stationery. Pay docked for materials."
After Coming Down the Chimney, I Promise Not to Draw Your Feet While You Sleep
I’m best known as a benevolent holiday figure, I’m also a gifted anatomy artist and an expert at tiptoeing around houses without waking people up.
I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past and I’ve Never Haunted You Because Your Life Is Too Boring
If I had to choose between visiting key moments in your life or watching paint dry, I’d go to Home Depot right now and buy every single can of Sherwin Williams.
Christmas Card from a Family That Runs a Private Prison Company
Many of you are more than friends, you’re also treasured shareholders of American Correctional Solutions, so I don’t need to tell you that ACS’s profits are through the roof.
I’m the Honey Baked Ham Gift Card You Got for a Corporate Holiday Bonus and I Hate Me Too
It’s been a few weeks now and you won’t stop looking at me in contempt. Every time you open your wallet and see me, you scoff.
Layoff Bingo: Holiday Edition
Swallowing rage when friends complain about their company holiday parties
NFL-Inspired Power Rankings for Everyone at My Family’s Thanksgiving
After four down and out years, hardcore MAGA uncle Rick has regained his mojo with Trump back in office.
Cancel Dolphins: New Earth Day Faves for a Fucked-up World
Wired: Earwigs. Bugs, but heavy metal and down to party. With those pincers you know they’re into some dark shit.