Hey, Cowboy! Haven’t seen you for a long time! We were getting a little worried there for a bit, thinking you might have forgotten about us. Haha. But how could you forget that tiny box of caramels you got as a stocking stuffer three years ago?
After all, we were a gift from your best friend, Jeff. He was your best friend from work, not real life, of course, and did you just say you don’t work at that place anymore? That’s too bad. We’re sorry to hear that.
Do you ever still talk to Jeff? How is he? Oh, he was the reason you left in the first place?
Oh, and you stopped calling people “Cowboy” at least two years ago now? I guess that makes sense. No, I don’t think it’s embarrassing hearing it now and seeing how dumb you sounded calling people that for like five years. In fact, I think it’s kind of fun! But I also agree with you now that we should never say it again. Good call, Cowpoke!
We always knew you’d pick us up again. We knew that you were probably just busy for the last three years or so. We figured you just weren’t hungry or something, considering how often you used to snack on us. You really enjoyed us for a while. In fact, you were snacking on us almost all the way into the New Year. Practically a week!
We could hear the New Year’s party way back here in the pantry. We thought maybe you’d break us out for the celebration, but we understand you wanted to keep us all to yourself. Makes sense! There’s not that much to go around.
The Cadbury Creme Eggs in here agreed with us, too. Oh, yeah, they’re in here and they’re doing great. Mostly. They are a little melted. Yeah, we’re not too sure how long they’ve been in here, but they asked us if Arrested Development was ever coming back on TV. We asked them which time and they got very confused.
I don’t want to start any trouble, but it might be time to get rid of them. For their own good, really.
Also, just a heads up, but we also saw some Keebler’s Pizzarias in there. And they seemed to be under the impression that Clinton was still president. Maybe not a big deal. They did ask if we thought he’d be running for a second term.
We’re just as fresh as the day you got us three years ago, though. We think. It’s very unclear how long caramel lasts. But we’re just sugar, right? We’ve got to still be good. Right?
Feeling hungry? Why not have a snack right now?
If you’re doubting that we’re still good, why don’t you just “Ask Jeeves” about it. Hahahah. Kidding! Kidding! We’re kidding! We’re not that old. We know about Google.
You can google if we’re still good, but it’s probably just a waste of time. We both know the answer. See, “unopened and in a cool dry place, caramels can last anywhere from six months to four years.” We’re right in the meaty part of that timeline.
We’re not opened.
No, we’re not.
Oh, the seal is opened, yeah, but we’re individually wrapped in here. You can google that too, but see how confusing all these websites are? Not a lot of clear answers, huh? That website there is mostly going to be weird pop-up ads anyway. Not worth your time to click on, personally.
If we were you we would eat you. I mean, us.