My downstairs neighbors should give up on the thing they call a “heavy metal bagpipes band.”
6:45 AM: Wind speed in the air is currently ten miles per hour, which is something only relevant to me.
2. Wear it as a Halloween costume! There’s nothing more terrifying than the repercussions of the wedding-industrial complex.
Multiple trips? No way. I’m not leaving anything to take in “next.” There is no “next.” There is only “bringing everything inside at once."
Kevin demands only the best from his employees. He constantly circles my desk to “check in,” especially when I’m on my period.
Pro tip: bring a parasol to reduce the glare on your laptop screen when you’re checking Outlook for five minutes, just one more email, OK babe?
Don’t use the names of people you know, such as your husband---whose disappearance 12 years ago was a tragic accident you’re still really sad about.
For urgent matters, please reach out to Gary Dilworth, who will bombard me with angry texts in all caps until I respond.
Grab brunch with friends, but only half-listen to what they’re saying. Something about a "drinking problem" and "ruining Stacy's wedding."
We Must Protect the Elderly from COVID-19 by Not Visiting Them, So That When This Pandemic Is Over, We Can Continue Not to Visit Them
We know you're eager to get back to inconsistent monthly visits to your 87-year-old father and checking your watch and sighing the entire time.