Thank you for your email. I’m out sick today, but for immediate assistance please contact my manager, Gary Dilworth (and if you are Gary, I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise!).

Hi! I’m taking the afternoon off to attend my kindergartner’s school play (Macbeth Jr.) and watch my child get beheaded. Onstage, of course. However, I will be checking email until the other audience members (and my husband) start glaring at me. For urgent matters, please reach out to Gary Dilworth, who will bombard me with angry texts in all caps until I respond.

Thanks for your email—I’m currently driving my kid to baseball practice because my unemployed-by-choice husband wants to finish his episode of Judge Judy, but feel free to text me anytime. I’ll respond once I merge onto the highway—safety first!

Happy holidays! Our offices are closed until January 2nd, but I’ll be constantly online because what am I supposed to do with all this free time—Sleep? Mop up my husband’s spilled beer as he watches Dr. Phil? Or, as my husband says, “Put down the laptop, Susan, the kids are crying because you forgot to buy Christmas gifts—do I have to do everything around here?”

Hello! I’m out of office taking a mental health day and finally relaxing—after I drop the kids off at school, get an oil change, pick up my husband’s dry cleaning, vacuum, cook dinner, and scream into a pillow for thirty minutes straight. I’ll be periodically checking email, so if I don’t respond to you within two minutes, please contact Gary and tell him I’m sorry for leaving thirty seconds early yesterday to go to my mom’s funeral.

Greetings, if you’re receiving this autoreply, it’s nighttime and I’m unfortunately asleep in bed and not in the office (I know, such a slacker). However, my husband now sleeps on the couch because I’ve stopped giving him nightly foot massages, so please call or text if you need anything that can’t wait until morning (A.K.A. everything, right Gary? Haha!) and I’ll respond before you even hit “send.”

Thanks for your message! I’m away camping with my husband in a last-ditch effort to salvage the shattered pieces of our marriage. I currently don’t have Internet access, but I’ve assembled my entire desktop computer in my tent and am working quickly to build a Wi-Fi tower in this national park—Hey, those PowerPoints won’t make themselves! If by tomorrow you still can’t get ahold of me, please contact Gary, and he’ll fly his personal helicopter in circles over my campsite and I’ll return to the office ASAP.

Hi there! I’m currently giving birth, but since I’m only at 2cm I’ll be responding to all messages until they force me to hold my baby. After today, I will be on maternity leave and completely offline for the next three hours. If you’re a client, though, please feel free to stop by room 304 at St. John’s Hospital. For all other matters, please contact my amazing, brilliant manager, Gary (who is the best boss ever, please don’t fire me), and he’ll forward your call to me. If you’re my husband’s divorce lawyer, tell my husband he can have everything, because who needs a house when I already sleep under my cubicle desk?

Thank you for your email. I died on December 9th from a freak cutting-off-my-leg-with-a-chainsaw-while-answering-work-emails accident, and I am currently buried six feet under without Internet access. In the meantime, I’m trying my best to return as a ghost to assist you. For urgent matters, feel free to ping me via Ouija board. (And FYI, Gary, I’ll have those reports done by Monday!)