After getting your first shot of the COVID-19 vaccine, you're ready to conquer the world! You're not listening to those party-poopers at the CDC who still urge caution after the first dose. You're a body-half-vaccinated kind of guy, not a body-half-unvaccinated-buzzkill. Here are all the things you can do once 50% of the vaccine is coursing through your 100% invincible self.
Only wash one of your hands. You should still scrub it for 20 seconds, or until you get bored, whichever comes first.
Wear your mask over your mouth but expose your nose. Ignore everyone's glares as you loudly sniff the produce at Trader Joe's. They're just jealous.
Attend a wedding in person but leave halfway through the vows—Mark is a jerk who doesn't deserve Stacy anyway. Actually, the ceremony is the boring part. Arrive at the reception halfway through, load up on free booze, and hopefully leave before you can drunkenly beg Stacy to take you back and puke on her expensive shoes.
Grab brunch with friends, but only half-listen to what they’re saying. Something about a “drinking problem” and “ruining Stacy's wedding.” But all you can focus on is your Bloody Mary and how amazing it feels to eat at a restaurant again! What’s that, Carl?
Go to the bar and celebrate your one vaccine shot by ordering one tequila shot. Repeat at multiple bars. You're not being irresponsible—bars are struggling and you're just doing your part to support small businesses.
As you venture out in public again, feel free to only wear clothing on the bottom half of your body. It’s a tough transition back to the real world for the newly halfway vaccinated, and putting on pants just to go to Target would be a shock to your system.
When your workplace calls you back to the office, get up and leave halfway through “important” meetings. Don't be embarrassed when everyone sees your tighty-whities. Once they're half-vaccinated, they'll understand.
Take a vacation! It’s perfectly safe now, and poorly ventilated Spirit Airlines flights to Disney World are half price. You deserve it after this rough year, and the spinning teacups are calling your name.
Dine at your favorite Applebee's and tip only half of what you normally would. You feel bad for the servers, but money is tight these days ever since you were fired for ditching meetings, taking unannounced trips to Disney World, and for not wearing pants ever. Besides, your quesadilla burger was strangely tasteless for some reason.
Throw a party at your house but invite just half of your friends—only cool, halfway vaccinated people like yourself. Definitely not Stacy. But damn it, you miss her so much your body aches all over.
Go on a Tinder date with a woman named Kelsey who's also halfway vaccinated, because you need to get over Stacy, stat. You're not worried about COVID because together, you and Kelsey make one fully vaccinated person, which surely counts for something. And wow, Kelsey is amazing. Even hours and days after the date is over, she takes your breath away.
Go to the gym and get off the treadmill halfway through your usual twenty-minute run. Stagger halfway to the weight machines before deciding just to go home. That's enough for today—you’re feeling pretty fatigued.
Make a half-assed effort to cover your cough, spewing droplets onto half of your fellow bus passengers. Why are you coughing so much? Water must've gone down the wrong pipe, or maybe it's all the time you've spent dining in bars and restaurants, going to the gym, and visiting the hospital's COVID ward and kissing elderly patients on the mouth. Yeah, definitely the water.
When reading the news, shut your laptop halfway through the New York Times's latest article on surging worldwide case counts, premature reopenings, and new variants. You don't need that negativity in your life, and it doesn’t apply to you because you're halfway vaccinated. Right?
Order an at-home COVID test just in case, though you’re pretty sure you have nothing to worry about. Choose expedited shipping so it arrives in half the time. Fill the spit tube only halfway—it’s hard to produce enough saliva when you’re hacking up your lungs and have a 102-degree fever. But you’re fine. You’re fine!
Delete half of the angry voicemails from everyone who accuses you of infecting them. That’s impossible! You’re halfway vaccinated and there’s no way—Wait. Stacy called?
When your test results come back positive, quarantine for 7 days instead of the recommended 14. Then go out and conquer the world all over again! Because life is short, and there’s no way you can wait another few days for your second dose. Ready or not, Stacy, here you come!