1. Donate it! Surely there’s someone who’d love an itchy, jaundice-yellow bridesmaid dress with a broken zipper and a 20-pound faux-silk rose on the shoulder.
  2. Wear it as a Halloween costume! There’s nothing more terrifying than the repercussions of the wedding-industrial complex. And that sparkly Pikachu-colored belt.
  3. Or maybe cut it up into rags and use them to wash your car?
  4. Screw it, just wear it everywhere. Sure, that long ruffled skirt makes you look like Big Bird at an '80s prom, but who says you can’t wear it to Target? Or to jury duty for a quadruple murder trial? Or at the squat rack at the gym? You spent $200 on this thing! Plus alterations!
  5. Say you get kidnapped while shopping at Target, and your kidnapper locks you in a 50-foot stone tower. Rip the dress into strips and tie them together to make a rope. Then, throw the rope out the window and shimmy down to safety.
  6. Then what? Weave the strips into a rug? Do you even need a rug?
  7. Hang it in your closet to cover up the other clothing items that you’ve only worn once and now just take up space. Like your baptism gown, fifth-grade graduation robe, or ninth-grade homecoming dress.
  8. The next time you’re home alone and someone tries to rob your house, attach the dress to a broomstick and wave it behind a closed curtain to make it look like someone is there. The Wet Bandits would’ve run away screaming from Kevin McAllister’s house if they’d seen the silhouette of these puffy sleeves!
  9. Use it as a safe and hide your valuables in the skirt, in case you ever get robbed when you’re not home. Thieves will never think to dig through the thirty layers of frilly tulle!
  10. But wait! If you ever do get robbed, you could trick the robbers into stealing the dress. In that case, print out a $10,000 Valentino price tag, attach it to the cat-vomit-toned collar, and hang it in your entryway. Leave your front door open.
  11. Cut off the puffy sleeves and hyperventilate into them the next time you learn another one of your BFFs from college has just gotten engaged.
  12. Wait, don’t cut them off yet. Maybe you can convince said BFF to choose bridesmaid dresses just like this one—gowns that look like yellow Teletubby skin are so in! Then you can wear it twice!
  13. Moth food. Do moths eat polyester?
  14. Display it in a prominent place as a daily reminder to never agree to be a bridesmaid again, or make friends with people in stable, long-term relationships, or make any friends again, period.
  15. Become a governess for a family with seven children and sew them matching outfits from your dress. Singing and frolicking in the Austrian countryside is optional.
  16. Wear it in your Tinder profile picture. If any decent, self-respecting guy still wants to meet you despite the fact that you look like a diseased sunflower bouquet, he’s The One. Marry him—but first, you’ll need bridesmaids. And there is NO WAY you’re going to make them buy dresses. Why do they have to match? Just for photos? That is so shallow. And wasteful. They can wear their ninth-grade homecoming dresses instead.
  17. Wear it when you’re home alone and get so drunk that you no longer care that it makes you look like a Raggedy Ann doll dipped in Velveeta. You know, the dress isn’t so bad. And the bride’s pictures did turn out nice… surely your bridesmaids would understand if…
  18. Give it to your maid of honor to wear at your wedding. She can figure out what to do with it afterwards. There are tons of practical options!