5:05 AM: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome aboard Flight 1185 from Boston to Minneapolis. This is your captain speaking. We hope you’ll have a nice and relaxing flight in between my constant loud and jarring announcements.

5:15 AM: Hello again passengers, I know some of you are already drifting off to sleep, but I must jolt you awake to give you a weather update. The temperature in Minneapolis is seventy-two degrees, with mostly cloudy skies.

5:19 AM: FYI, it is now seventy-one and a half degrees. Just thought you should know.

5:25 AM: We are now preparing for takeoff. The crew is conducting final seat belt checks, so my deepest apologies if they disturb your slumber just as you’ve gotten to the part of your dream where Buzz Lightyear is about to rip your clothes off, or whatever. Certain crew members—cough, cough, Tanya—just don’t care that you’re exhausted from waking up at 4:00 AM to make this godawful early flight.

5:35 AM: And… we’re off!

5:45 AM: We have now reached cruising altitude, so please feel free to recline your seats and watch a movie. It’ll be just like seeing it in the theater, aside from your screen freezing abruptly at the worst possible moments every time I make an announcement.

5:48 AM: Personally, I’d recommend Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

5:58 AM: My copilot is rolling her eyes and beckoning me to put the speaker down, but I must add that we also offer guided meditation videos that will truly help you settle back on today’s flight. But don’t worry, I still won’t hesitate to interrupt these meditations with my very important and necessary announcements.

6:08 AM: FYI, the temperature in Minneapolis is back up to seventy-two degrees.

6:15 AM: Anyway, may I suggest the Ocean Sunset meditation? You can watch the gently lapping Caribbean waves while my voice scrapes over your eardrums like a cheese grater.

6:25 AM: Ladies and gentlemen, the crew is now serving refreshments. Out of consideration for others, please be as quiet as possible when opening your tiny bags of Sun Chips, since crinkly noises can be so annoying when you’re trying to rest.

6:35 AM: Tanya, could you bring me a bag of Sun Chips?

6:45 AM: Wind speed in the air is currently ten miles per hour, which is something only relevant to me.

6:55 AM: Attention passengers, I know this announcement is making Dumbledore’s face freeze on your screen in a weird way, but Tanya has informed me that some of you have attempted to scrunch into the space under the seat in front of you while plugging your ears. As a reminder, that space is reserved only for small personal items, such as a purse or backpack.

7:00 AM: Also, please note that locking yourselves in the bathroom and flushing the toilet over and over again to drown out my voice is prohibited, since the fasten seat belt sign is still on.

7:05 AM: I’m serious. Don’t make me come back to the cabin to make my announcements in person!

7:10 AM: But speaking of Dumbledore, has he died yet? Whoops, spoilers!

7:20 AM: Oh my GOD!

7:23 AM: No need to panic. Just noticed that Lake Superior looks really pretty today. An absolutely critical observation you surely care about.

7:33 AM: Attention passengers, we are about to begin our initial descent. But no need to wake up from your naps yet (and if you did, whoops), since we still have half an hour before we actually land. And then it’ll be another forty minutes of taxiing before anyone can awkwardly stand in the aisle as they wait to deboard. So please—I insist!—sit back and relax. Let every muscle of your body soften, and empty your mind and tune out all distractions as the aircraft descends like a feather–

7:38 AM: Apologies. My copilot just rudely snatched the intercom from my hand. What was I saying?

7:40 AM: Well, I’ll let you know if it comes to me.


7:51 AM: …Is something we are not experiencing right now. Just pointing that out.

8:01 AM: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain again. We have now landed in Minneapolis. I sincerely hope you had a relaxing flight and were able to catch a few milliseconds of serenity in between the high-pitched whine of my intercom that screeches and crackles inescapably into every orifice of your body. Thank you for choosing Delta.

8:05 AM: No clapping? Tough crowd.