Portland

Jared is one of the people who lives in Portland Oregon. He is also one of the people from Kentucky.

Comedy Writing

Jokes

Chipotle’s new robot “Autocado” cuts guacamole production time in half. And their even newer robot “E-Lemon-ador” will gun you down if you put lemonade in your water cup.

— Jared Flood

“No, I’m not saying I want to sell feet pics. I’m saying I’d like an appraisal.”

— Jared Flood

Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.

— Jared Flood

Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we’re lost.

— Jared Flood

Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don’t worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.

— Jared Flood

Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.

— Jared Flood

*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”

— Jared Flood

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn’t, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

— Jared Flood

“This isn’t my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.

— Jared Flood
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