I asked a restaurant host if he validated. “Yes,” he said. “You are kind and deserving of respect.”
In school they tell you history doesn’t repeat itself. But it does if you fail all the tests.
What happened to pirates? They went from plundering the seven seas to stealing my Amazon order at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I’m the one being punished for Harvey Weinstein: I haven’t seen more than two decent movies in the last six years.
What is worse than the fall of the Roman empire? The winter.
What doesn't kill you may be arrested for attempted murder.
Getting a dog is a lot like gaining a frat brother: he's always down to go out and rage, he'll support and encourage you through all your bad decisions, and at some point he'll lay in a hidden corner of your bedroom watching you bone your girlfriend.
Happiness is that feeling you get when you take warm laundry out of the dryer. Sadness is that feeling you get when your neighbor discovers you in their house holding their warm clothes.
If a bunch of crows is a murder, and two crows are an attempted murder, is one crow just in the planning stage?
Why are men, on average, taller than women? Because most mathematicians were men.
Horse racing: the only sport where they shoot the athlete and pay the equipment.
I was named after my mother. She was named 30 years prior.
— Diana Witt, @_dianawitt
No, Slender James is my father. Please, call me Slim Jim.
When my uncle died, we bought the casket from IKEA. The funeral took all weekend.
Never understood death row inmates who who order gargantuan last meals. The last thing I feel like doing after a huge meal is getting executed. Too full!
You say I’m a terrible dad but my other family doesn’t think so.
Smart kids are gifted, smart adopted kids are re-gifted.
I don’t think hurricanes mean any harm, I think they just want to be on TV.
— Nam Tran
I don't understand oat milk. I've never met an oat with tits.
Doctor: Good news. Your prostate is totally healthy.
Patient: Thanks! I’m going to be bringing in another one next week.