I write comedy because I can't sustain any other job. My two terrible sons always put birdhouses on me while I sleep so I wake up thinking I've grown to immense sizes and I won't be able to fit in any office.
I try to be a good house guest, but I never know if I should leave the toilet seat up or down after I finish rummaging through the medicine cabinet.
I’m a big believer in fairness. For example, I believe that if Air Bud can play basketball, then Larry Bird should be allowed to live in my yard and drink from my toilet.