I Am Having Trouble Carving My Wife’s Likeness into a Pumpkin in Such a Way That Captures Her Raw Sexual Energy
The farmer at the pumpkin patch is threatening to stop selling me any more pumpkins because he thinks what I’m doing is “fucked up.”
Comedy Writing
5 Running Shoes That Won’t Help Me Escape the Reality That My Wife Is Having an Affair with David Attenborough
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
The Archangel Gabriel Appeared to Me in a Dream and Told Me to Start Pounding More PBR Tall Boys if I Want to Get into Heaven
I heard that in Heaven, you can ride on the backs of angels and use their halos as steering wheels. That’s something I would like to check out.
Top 5 Items to Steal from the Medicine Cabinet of Grammy Award-Winning Artist Paul Simon
Paul’s Empty Advil Container That He Repurposed to Hide His State Quarters: Cast the pill bottle aside and fill your pockets with the beautiful coins.
6 Techniques I Believe Will Get Sonny the Cuckoo Bird to Renounce Cocoa Puffs and Embrace Christianity
1) I Make a Rube Goldberg-type Machine That Gives Sonny a Spank Right on the Keister Every Time He Lifts the Spoon to His Mouth
Diary Entries from the Season Bob Dylan Coached My Son’s Little League Team
Instead of wearing baseball caps, Coach Dylan has all the kids wearing these weird old hats he found at a garage sale.
Enough Is Enough: My Son Wanted to Burn a Wooden Effigy in My Likeness While Reciting Satanic Incantations, So I Told Him to Please Take It Outside
The 2 things I love most are corduroys with ridges so deep that you can slide a can of Coors Light in there, and making sure my son thinks I’m cool.
In My Museum, You Are Not Only Allowed to Touch the Wax Figures, But You Can Also Give Them a Little Kiss and Whisper a Secret in Their Ear
I low-balled a museum in Plymouth into selling me wax statues of sick Pilgrims from their “passengers who didn’t survive the Mayflower” exhibit.
6 Worst Places for Your Wife to Remind You She Is Leaving to Be in a Polyamorous Relationship with the Pep Boys
The process of picking one menu item reminded your wife of how she did not have to pick just one Pep Boy, since they are all polyamorous.
5 Episodes of “DuckTales” Where Winter’s First Snowfall Coincided with Uncle Scrooge Explaining to His Grandnephews That Because They Were Not Human, God Would Not Welcome Them into the Kingdom of Heaven When They Died
Season 1, Episode 45 - Raiders of the Lost Harp: When Uncle Scrooge Bemoans That All His Riches Cannot Afford Him a Seat in God’s Kingdom
5 Times My Father Was Strapped for Cash So We Had to Pay Our Rent by Complimenting Our Landlord’s Horrendous Calf Tattoos
He has a visible tattoo of Tim Allen playing billiards with Tim Allen. (The second Tim Allen had red glowing eyes. He kept calling him “Dark Tim.”)
I Am Leaving My Job to Become a Cowboy Following the Success of My Halloween Costume
If you want a salesman who spends all day practicing spitting into a spittoon so it makes a "ping" noise, I’m your guy.