Customer Complaint: My Big Mouth Billy Bass Keeps Mumbling “Dumb Motherfucker” When I Walk By It
Yes, I tried replacing the batteries. A fresh set seemed to do nothing except make his tone even angrier.
Comedy Writing
5 Reasons It’s Time to Drop This Silly Malpractice Lawsuit Against Your Doctor (Written by Your Doctor)
I’m holding myself accountable and learning from this experience (I will NEVER wear roller skates while performing surgery again).
The Rules I Must Never Break in Order to Keep My Job Wringing the Oil Out of Tom Cruise’s Hair While He Calls Me a Neanderthal
When Mr. Cruise shouts his most favored insult at me, I must be grateful and verbally show him my appreciation with a delighted squeal.
I Lived Amongst the Grinch’s 30 Wives for a Week: Here’s What I Learned
The first thing I noticed was my temporary roommates smiled and clapped each time they saw the Grinch’s glorious glutes.
5 Reasons Why Orson Welles’ Passion Project About a Tap Dancing Canary Who Dates a Human Man Failed to Get Made
Welles Insisted On Playing Both the Canary and the Human: Weight fluctuations nearly killed Welles and made the insurance for the project skyrocket.
I Am Having Trouble Carving My Wife’s Likeness into a Pumpkin in Such a Way That Captures Her Raw Sexual Energy
The farmer at the pumpkin patch is threatening to stop selling me any more pumpkins because he thinks what I’m doing is “fucked up.”
5 Running Shoes That Won’t Help Me Escape the Reality That My Wife Is Having an Affair with David Attenborough
Unfortunately, even if I found the perfect pair of running shoes and I was the fastest man in the world, I wouldn’t be able to outrun the truth.
The Archangel Gabriel Appeared to Me in a Dream and Told Me to Start Pounding More PBR Tall Boys if I Want to Get into Heaven
I heard that in Heaven, you can ride on the backs of angels and use their halos as steering wheels. That’s something I would like to check out.
Top 5 Items to Steal from the Medicine Cabinet of Grammy Award-Winning Artist Paul Simon
Paul’s Empty Advil Container That He Repurposed to Hide His State Quarters: Cast the pill bottle aside and fill your pockets with the beautiful coins.
6 Techniques I Believe Will Get Sonny the Cuckoo Bird to Renounce Cocoa Puffs and Embrace Christianity
1) I Make a Rube Goldberg-type Machine That Gives Sonny a Spank Right on the Keister Every Time He Lifts the Spoon to His Mouth
Diary Entries from the Season Bob Dylan Coached My Son’s Little League Team
Instead of wearing baseball caps, Coach Dylan has all the kids wearing these weird old hats he found at a garage sale.
Enough Is Enough: My Son Wanted to Burn a Wooden Effigy in My Likeness While Reciting Satanic Incantations, So I Told Him to Please Take It Outside
The 2 things I love most are corduroys with ridges so deep that you can slide a can of Coors Light in there, and making sure my son thinks I’m cool.