If the Pandemic Gave Workers More Leverage, Why Did My Boss Scream at Me for Printing Out Hundreds of Pictures of Mewtwo?
Much like the novel Coronavirus, there is something deeply disturbing about Mewtwo.
Comedy Writing
If the Phillie Phanatic Is Allowed to Get a Vasectomy, Whose Offspring’s Pelts Will I Use to Make a Luxurious Fur Coat?
The Phillie Phanatic can phuck off.
Sorta but Not Really Scary Emails That Jason Vorhees Sent Me in Lieu of a Good Old Fashioned Machete Slice
You think I didn’t see your ass (which was nude) swimming in Camp Crystal Lake? You know I drowned in there? That’s just disrespectful.
McDonald’s Menu Items Ranked by How Effective They Were at Giving Me the Nutrients I Needed to Break into Ronald McDonald’s Mansion and Try On His Clothes
A 30-Inch Footprint That I Touched and Then Tasted So I Could Begin Tracking Ronald: Without it, I wouldn’t have been able to murmur, “He’s near…”
Visions I Had After Succumbing to the Madness That Befalls All Men Who Dare Drink the Milk of the Eldest Keebler Elf
If you are offered a chance to suckle at the teat of the eldest Keebler elf, I pray you heed my warning.
4 Times My Plans for a Delicious Roast Were Ruined Because Mario’s Oiled and Nude Body Slipped From My Grasp
I would love nothing more than to coat him in a honey glaze and roast him over a fire until his internal temperature is 145 degrees.
Customer Complaint: My Big Mouth Billy Bass Keeps Mumbling “Dumb Motherfucker” When I Walk By It
Yes, I tried replacing the batteries. A fresh set seemed to do nothing except make his tone even angrier.
5 Reasons It’s Time to Drop This Silly Malpractice Lawsuit Against Your Doctor (Written by Your Doctor)
I’m holding myself accountable and learning from this experience (I will NEVER wear roller skates while performing surgery again).
The Rules I Must Never Break in Order to Keep My Job Wringing the Oil Out of Tom Cruise’s Hair While He Calls Me a Neanderthal
When Mr. Cruise shouts his most favored insult at me, I must be grateful and verbally show him my appreciation with a delighted squeal.
I Lived Amongst the Grinch’s 30 Wives for a Week: Here’s What I Learned
The first thing I noticed was my temporary roommates smiled and clapped each time they saw the Grinch’s glorious glutes.
5 Reasons Why Orson Welles’ Passion Project About a Tap Dancing Canary Who Dates a Human Man Failed to Get Made
Welles Insisted On Playing Both the Canary and the Human: Weight fluctuations nearly killed Welles and made the insurance for the project skyrocket.
I Am Having Trouble Carving My Wife’s Likeness into a Pumpkin in Such a Way That Captures Her Raw Sexual Energy
The farmer at the pumpkin patch is threatening to stop selling me any more pumpkins because he thinks what I’m doing is “fucked up.”