If the term “one hit wonder” applied to anyone, it would certainly be the geriatric and creatively bankrupt puppeteer known as Geppetto. To this day, the only worthwhile achievement he has to his name is the creation of Pinocchio, a villain so vile that he came with his own detection system to warn others of his deceit.

Even if you subscribe to the notion that Pinocchio’s coming to life is an accomplishment that amounts to anything more than a mixed bag, Geppetto’s success rate is still incredibly low. Here are the old man’s even worse (if you can believe it) marionettes that never came to life.

Blonde Pinocchio

Blonde Pinocchio was a blatantly transparent attempt for Geppetto to cash in on the notoriety of his most famous creation. Other than the cosmetic change in hair color, the only discernible difference was that, Blonde Pinocchio was to regard sentience as a burden that imprisoned him. Though Geppetto hoped that Blonde Pinocchio would be filled with murderous rage and grant his creator the warrior’s death that Geppetto desired, the aspirations became moot as Blonde Pinocchio never came to life.

Mirror Man

This was Geppetto’s attempt to create a superhero. Mirror Man was supposed to show evildoers the error of their ways by having them look into a mirror only to come to the realization that how they were living their lives was wrong. This inanimate mirror with an ominous smiley face drawn on it instead inspired criminals to commit more crime in Italy than ever before.

Annabelle

This creation puts Geppetto in an interesting predicament. Either he declares Annabelle is both alive and responsible for all those unexplained murders (which would certainly lead to incarceration for accessory to murder) or he insists that the doll is not a malevolent entity, thereby offering further evidence that he is nothing but a one-trick-pony. While we can’t be certain either way, one thing we can all agree on is that Geppetto’s career will never be one of Annabelle’s alleged victims; he was able to kill that all by himself.

Andy Serkis

He's a talented actor. We know that. But the only reason he quickly rose to the top of the motion capture world is because he used to be a puppet. Puppets have a natural knack for motion capture. Yes, Geppetto created him, but Serkis has kept his puppet past a dark secret so his father will never get the credit.

Egg

Geppetto tried to pass off a hard-boiled egg as a marionette. It expectantly never came to life.

Successful Geppetto

They say “if you can make a marionette of it, then it will come true.” Successful Geppetto, a marionette version of the man that resembled him in every way, except instead of failure in his eyes he had money symbols. This was doomed from the get-go as, even when it showed glimpses of coming to life, it immediately ran for some matches nearby and attempted to set itself aflame, knowing its own existence was a paradox.

Geppetto’s Impotent Member

It’s beneath the standards of this publication to speculate on unsubstantiated hearsay, but prevalent rumors insist that Geppetto’s hardware hangs like an ornament on a Christmas tree, in purely decorative fashion. Again, it is not our intention to spread falsehoods, but to be frank, it’s likely that his shit just doesn’t work.

Bratz Doll

Geppetto had a Bratz phase and swore he could make them one come to life and marry it, which was horrifying to everyone and thankfully never worked. Still, no one could ever explain where those tiny lipstick kisses on Geppetto’s face came from.

Doctor Pinocchio

After falling into a poison ivy bush and lacking health insurance to treat his ailments, Geppetto created Doctor Pinocchio, a Board-certified Dermatologist marionette who he said could “successfully diagnose and treat everything from Psoriasis to Skin Lesions.” When this marionette never came to life, hopeful sufferers of dermatological disorders took Geppetto to court. The jury, put off by Geppetto’s incessant scratching, awarded the plaintiffs all Geppetto’s blocks of wood so he could never make another marionette again.


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